


Where We Belong

by Enmy



Category: South Park
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-09
Updated: 2021-02-08
Packaged: 2021-03-15 01:06:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 27,574
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29305446
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Enmy/pseuds/Enmy
Summary: Stan is dating Wendy and barely spends time with his friends anymore but that doesn't make him happy. Clyde is dating Bebe in a desperate attempt to be more popular but where do they really belong? Where would they be happy?
Relationships: Clyde Donovan/Craig Tucker, Kyle Broflovski/Craig Tucker, Kyle Broflovski/Stan Marsh, Stan Marsh/Wendy Testaburger
Kudos: 13





	1. Chapter 1

I sit down at the same lunch table my friends and I always use during lunch and let my back pack fall on the floor near my chair. Since I'm the first to arrive I decide to wait for Kenny for a while. It shouldn't take him long now. He is always looking forward to lunch time at school since he doesn't get any decent food at home. Since I have nothing to do until then I look out the window with the chin resting on the back of my hands, elbows propped on the table. There are lots of kids spending the lunch break outside when the weather is good, so the large number of people out there is not surprising.

The goth kids appear into my view for a brief moment before they disappear on their way to some secluded place to do whatever they do during lunch. Then Bebe and Clyde appear, Bebe with both hands wrapped around Clyde's arm, then Stan with Wendy, holding hands and chatting happily, right behind them. Craig is eating his lunch alone under a tree and I wonder why. He is always with Clyde and Token and sometimes with Tweek, when Tweek isn't with Butters, why change that now?

"…Kyle?" Kenny's voice brings me back from my thoughts. He looks concerned. I turn to him and he drops his worn-out, brown back pack on the chair in front of me.

"Oh, hey Kenny! Wanna go and grab something?"

"Hell, yeah! I told you I'm starving!" I smile at him. Kenny always managed to do that when I needed him to. He may look like a perverted sex-addicted freak who only thinks about girls but that's more an image that he likes to keep, a reputation, as he calls it, that he has since we were kids. He used to be like that when we were kids but he has changed a lot since then and now he is settled down, observant and clever. He just seems to know when I'm down and makes me laugh and I feel better in no time. I have no idea why he wouldn't let others know the person that he really is though, I'm sure they would love him just as much.

Kenny doesn't have money for lunch, duh, everyone knows that. With his dad spending every penny on drinks at the bar and his mother spending more time on cloud number nine, thanks to Kevin's new job as a drug dealer, than with her family, Kenny's family is officially broke. Lately however he and I have a tradition to wait in line together, he makes the waiting thing less boring while talking all sorts of crap and I give him some of my food.

"Let's go then!" I grab a tray and take my place in line with Kenny by my side. Usually by this time he starts filling me in with what happened in class behind the teacher's back, knowing very well that I wouldn't be aware since I'm always paying attention in class, but not this time, this time he is serious and quiet.

"Ok, what's up?" he finally brakes the silence.

"What do you mean?" I raise an eyebrow urging him to explain himself.

"You didn't hear me the first time I called you." I give him an apologetic smile.

"Sorry, I got a lot on my mind right now. I got this project for science and I have no idea where to start."

Kenny rolls his eyes. "If anyone else said that I would have believed it but how many times did that happen to you? Be honest Kyle, you were thinking about Stan, again." I sigh. Am I such an open book that anyone can read or is Kenny reading minds?

"It's so complicated, Ken…."

"Go talk to him; tell him what you have to say."

"There's nothing to say, Kenny."

"Right, keep on fooling yourself with that line."

I finally order my food and we both go back to our table in an awkward silence.

"You guys, you're not going to believe this" I don't remember ever being so happy to see the fat ass as I am now. I hate it when things get awkward between me and my close friends. Cartman smashes his tray on the table and takes the seat next to Kenny.

"Yeah, this never happened before!" Butters joins us taking the seat next to me and I can feel the urgency in his voice. He seems really excited about whatever they are talking about.

"What happened?" Kenny asks suddenly curious and I too raise my eyes from the tray placed between Kenny and me.

"Craig and Clyde made a bet." Cartman says and I raise an eyebrow. What's so excited about that? Kids make bets all the time.

"So?" I try to get more information out of him.

Cartman has a particular way of bringing 'big news'. He gives you a bit of information, just enough to get your attention and then watches you torture your brain as you try to guess what he's talking about. Eventually, when he's satisfied and you scooped your brains out, he tells you. My luck is that I learned not to get too excited about Catman's 'big news' since they always turn up to be stupid. Well, maybe not always, but most of the time.

"OK" Cartman starts again "This went down in the boys' restroom. Craig and Clyde had a fight…" Probably that's why Craig was eating lunch alone while Clyde was with Bebe.

"Yeah" Butters interrupts "Craig was all like 'Get out of my way you f'king man whore' and Clyde was like 'It's not my fault I'm handsome and chicks like me!'"

"Thank you Butters." Cartman takes back the spotlight "Then Craig said 'Chicks like me too and I bet that I can have more than you in a week'. So they are going to seduce as many girls as they can in a week and the looser will do what the winner wants him to for a whole week. Sweet huh?"

"Totally! Can I join?"

"No Kinny, I don't think so."

"Since when is Craig interested in girls?" I ask surprised.

"Hamburgers Kyle, are you sayin' that Craig is bi-curious?"

"No Butters, I'm not saying that Craig is gay, what I'm saying is that Craig is not interested in anything except animals."

"Apparently he is now. He's probably tired of being a hippie." Cartman takes a sip of his juice before he starts eating another hamburger. While his hands are busy with the wrapper Kenny tries to steal some fries from his tray.

"Hands off the fries Kinny. Look in the trash, there must be some leftovers there, you poor piece of shit."

"You can have my fries Kenny, I'm not hungry." I push my tray closer to Kenny who gives me a concerned look but accepts it anyway. "Why would they do that? Do they really think it's funny?" I get angry all of the sudden. I don't know why exactly, maybe because I don't find it funny to play with someone's feelings like that.

"Oh, but it is funny Khal." I can't believe the lard but is saying this. "Just think how this can turn the entire school upside down… angry boyfriends….wild fights….and bets Khal."

"Bets?" I ask dumb folded. What's the retard up to?

"Yes Khal, bets. I'll make everyone want to bet on the fights, just think of how much money I can make." I'm dumb folded…and angry.

"And why are you telling me this?" Cartman sighs.

"I'm not telling you this, I'm telling Kinny." Then he turns to Kenny "Are you in for some easy money? Butters is, aren't you Butters?"

"Jeez, Eric, I don't know…" Butters starts rubbing his knuckles in discomfort "I could get into an awfully lot of trouble."

"Oh come on, Butters. Aren't we friends? Friends help each other you know!" Manipulative bastard.

"We are, but….hamburgers….fine, but just for a little while." A small smile crawls on Cartamn's face like always when he wins an argument.

"No, thanks" comes Kenny's answer and Cartman's smile fades away.

"Well then…screw you guys," he points his forefingers at us "I'm going home" and with a flick he turns them to point at the door. "Let's go Butters!" he says before he turns to lead the way out of the cafeteria. Sore loser.

"But Eric, you can't go home. We still have classes!" Butters shouts as he follows Cartman out of the cafeteria.

"I'm home!" I shout as I take off my shoes and jacket before running upstairs to my room.

"Hello bubhee, how was your school day?" my mother's voice from the kitchen stops me half way up the stairs.

"Fine, mom. I'll go start my homework now." I find an excuse to get out of there and the homework excuse works the best with her. This way I can be sure that she won't disturb me for hours.

"Alright. Dinner will be ready soon. I'll call you then."

"Thanks" I rush in my room and throw my back pack on the bed before closing the door by leaning against it. I stay like that for a while, staring at my back pack. I know what I told mom but I'm not in the mood for homework right now. My eyes drift to my night stand where rests a picture of me, Stan and Kenny that was taken two years ago at Christmas at Stark's Pond.

I was depressed then because….well….because it was Christmas and since my family is Jewish I couldn't celebrate with my friends and because Cartman made sure to remind me for a whole week that I won't be getting any presents and eat cookies and sing carols. I didn't care about carols and cookies as much as he thought I did but I did wish I could spend the time with my friends, especially with Stan.

That night, around midnight Stan woke me up throwing snow balls at my window. I opened the window and there he was with a Santa hat on top of his blue and red one and a goofy grin spread across his face. Kenny, who was further away on the sidewalk with three big bags next to him, waved at me. Stan brought his mother's awesome cookies while Kenny brought beer from his dad's stash and we fooled around all night at Stark's Pond celebrating Christmas our way. That was one of my best memories from our first year in high school.

I feel my phone vibrate in my jeans' pocket. I must have forgotten to put out the vibration mode after classes ended. I take it out of my pocket and look at Stan's picture on the screen.

"Hey, dude!" I try to sound as casual as I can. It's been hard for me to sound casual around him since we didn't have a real conversation in the last three months. At first I tried to act as I always did, ask him if he wanted to hang out or something, but he always had plans with Wendy, so as time passed I gave up asking. I wonder what he wants now.

"Hey" I can tell by his voice that he's been crying.

"You OK, dude?" I ask, even though I know he is not, and I'm sure I know the reason too. Wendy broke up with him….again. They have always been on and off like that ever since third grade. I guess I should be just a little bit concerned for my best friend since he is suffering so much but I guess I got used to this over the years so much that I'm immune.

"Can I come over?" He says after a long pause. He sounds tired…

"Sure!" He hangs up but I still linger with the phone pressed against my ear for a few more seconds before I put the phone back in my pocket.

To be honest I'm tired of this Wendy game he plays, when they're on he barely gives me a glance but when she breaks up with him he comes crawling to me in tears and I'm supposed to make him feel better because that's what super best friends do.

Last time when we had a project that we had to work on in pairs I went to ask him if he would be my partner but he said 'Sorry Ky, I promised Wendy to work on this with her' and I had to put up with Carman's shit for a whole week until we finished the project because Kenny was skipping school at the time.

Then she broke up with him again, obviously, and he came to my window at ten in the evening asking if he could spend the night at my place. I couldn't refuse him, so I had to listen to him feeling sorry for himself and bitching Wendy but when I told him that he should just break up with her once and for all because she doesn't deserve him, he became angry with me. Can you believe it? He left my place in the middle of the night and barely spoke to me ever since.

They got back together a few days later but he still didn't speak to me.

There's a knock on my door and only then do I realize that I'm still leaning against it. God, I must have zoned out more than usual. I open the door and just as I expected Stan is there in tears. I make room for him to come in and without a word he goes to my bed and sits on it.

This silence is awkward. Usually he is the one starting a conversation in situations like this and right now, to be honest, I'm afraid to speak. I don't want a rerun of last time now that he finally came back to me.

"Did Wendy break up with you again?" I finally break the silence but he shakes his head.

"Then what's wrong?" I ask truly concerned this time. I might have been wrong in my assumptions.

"I broke up with her." That's new! He's never been the one to break up their relationship. I look at him amazed and a bit hopeful but he doesn't look at me and I'm grateful for that.

"What? Why?" I go by his side and take a seat next to him on the bed.

"I don't want to talk about it." He bears his face into my shirt and starts crying and I start rubbing circles on his back. It helps him relax and release the tension. It's what I always do when he's down like this and it always works. After a few minutes I can feel his muscles relax under my touch.

"Ok, just calm down." I try to soothe him "You can tell me when you're ready" I make him lay on the bed and he tugs on my shirt, dragging me down with him. I obey and lay next to him so that now we are facing each other, his fingers still grasping my shirt. He stopped crying and I wipe the dried tears on his face. We just stay like that for a while before he speaks again.

"She cheated on me." If the room wasn't so quiet I wouldn't have heard him say that.

"What? With who?"

"Clyde." I told you she doesn't deserve you but you never listen. I want to tell him that, but I don't. I don't want him to rush out again without me knowing when he will be back. Instead I just wrap my arms around him and he snuggles closer to me.

"Kyle, dinner is ready" mom's voice interrupts our little moment "Is Stanly joining us?" I look at Stan he just shakes his head.

"Coming mom!" I yell so that she can hear me from downstairs "Do you want me to get you something?" I ask Stan as I get up and make my way to the door but he shakes his head again. "I'll get you some hot tea. It'll help you calm down."

"Is there something wrong with Stanly, bubhee?" my mom asks me as we all sit around the dinner table.

"Yeah, he's upset."

"Oh! Don't tell me that Randy and Sharon are having a fight again?" mom suddenly panics but I shake my head.

"No, it's nothing like that. He broke up with Wendy." I start playing with my food not really in the mood for this conversation.

"Oh…" is all mom says suddenly content with the idea that her friends are not going to break up again.

"About time" Ike mutters, earning one of my deadly glares.

"Don't say that Ike. It's not nice to be happy for someone else's unhappiness" mom scolds him.

"It's not like he loves her anyway."

"Ike!" That was mom's last warning, I can tell from her tone and from the way she glares at my little brother. One more word out of line and I swear she will explode. Fortunately Ike knows it too and stops talking. He stands up from the table and puts his empty plate in the sink before he makes his way upstairs to his room.

I excuse myself from the table to go to my room with two cups of hot tea for me and Stan.

"Kyle" my mother's voice stops me in my tracks and I turn around to face her.

"Yeah?"

"Is Stanly spending the night here?" Why would she care about that? She never did before. I mean we always have sleepovers at either of our houses. Once we entered high school our sleepovers became rare though, only when he wasn't dating Wendy and they stopped when he stopped talking to me a few months ago.

"I don't know" I say honestly "Why?"

"If he does we'll have the couch ready for him." I look dumb folded at my dad.

"He can sleep in my room, like he always does."

"Kyle, you are in high school now and it is not appropriate for you two to share a bed anymore. What is acceptable for little children is not always acceptable for teenagers." My mother explains. I understand this very well and I know what she means but I'm not ready for this change, not in my relationship with Stan.

We always shared a bed at our sleepovers and we always snuggled together, it was normal for us to do that even if it is kind of gay….ok, really gay. But hey, I am gay. Of course my parents don't know it and neither does Stan. I'm not ready to get out of the closet yet.

"I'll let him know the couch is ready." Arguing with mom is not an option for me.

"I knew you'll understand" I do understand and I don't like it but I'm not in the mood for mom's tantrums, so I pretend that they can have things their way.

In my room I find Stan where I left him, I guess he fell asleep, so I put the cups of tea on the nightstand careful not to make any noise that would wake him up.

"Kyle?" Guess I was wrong and he's awake after all.

"Hm?"

"Do you think this is wrong?" Oh no, I know where this is going and I'm not ready to have this conversation with Stan.

"What do you mean?" That's right Kyle, play dumb. You don't know how much he heard.

"Our friendship….do you think that we are closer than we should be?" This is what I'm talking about. I don't want to have this conversation with Stan because I feel that if we do, it will change us forever. But there is no way to avoid it now, is there?

"You heard what mom said?"

"I used the bathroom and when I came out I heard a part of it." I take a seat on the bed and sip out of my cup of tea thinking how to answer his question.

"We are closer than other friends. You don't have sleepovers with Kenny and neither do I and he's our friend isn't he?"

"I wouldn't go to sleep in Kenny's poor impression of a house." We both laugh but he's right, neither would I.

"But would you share your bed with Kenny at a sleepover?"

"I guess not, but that doesn't answer my question."

"And what's that?"

"Do you think we shouldn't be this close?"

"To be honest Stan, I don't know how close we are anymore."

"What do you mean?" He suddenly shifts into a sitting position glaring daggers at me that I can feel at the back of my head. I don't look at him though, my eyes are fixed on the cup of tea that I'm holding.

"I don't know Stan, but when you are dating Wendy it's like I don't even exist to you. I haven't seen you much lately except for the times you came to cry that Wendy broke up with you again."

"Well sorry for bothering you when I need my super best friend the most." He shouts and for a moment there I thought that he would storm out in anger, but he doesn't. I had to tell him how I feel because I can't bottle it up any longer, I don't regret telling him even though I'm afraid of how this conversation will end.

"Well sorry for needing you too" I snap at him in the heat of the moment and regret it immediately after that. "Sorry, I guess I am a little jealous of Wendy because she gets to spend so much time with you."

"You still didn't answer my question though. Do you think we used to be too close?" He's calmed down a bit and he's avoiding my gaze.

"No, but I can understand why it looks that way to others." He takes his time to let my words sink in and then says the words I feared he would say.

"I'd better go."


	2. Chapter 2

Next day Stan joins us at our lunch table and I can't stop myself from smiling at him.

"Hey, dude! Feeling better?"

"Kinda'" I sure hope that this tension between us is going to end soon so that we can go back to the way we were. Well, not to the way we were in the past few months, but you know what I mean. I just want my best friend back.

"Hey fags, poor boy…" Can't Cartaman have a conversation without ripping on us? Guess not. "This is awesome" he takes a seat in his usual place, next to Kenny before he starts to fill us in with the latest gossip, not that I'm interested. "So, this morning Clyde made a move on Red. You should have seen Kevin's face, I'm tellin'you guys it was priceless."

"Kevin?" Stan asks raising a brow.

"Yeah, he is dating Red didn't you guys know?"

"No."

"God, I almost forgot that you fags are so into each other that you don't pay attention to others."

"We're not into each other, lard butt. We just don't care who is dating who." Stan cut in.

"Anyway, I bet you that by the end of the day Clyde and Kevin are going to fight and then Craig with Token. What do you say Jew? 50 bucks?"

"Fuck off, Cartman. I'm not making any bets with you."

"Stan?"

"No. But why Craig and Token?" Cartman points at the lunch line and I turn to look in the direction he's pointing at. Nichole and Craig were chatting happily together.

"They're just talking, there's nothing wrong with that."

"Yeah, for now. This is so gay you guys."

"How is it gay?" Stan asks "They're hitting on girls!"

"Duh, it's obvious they're doing it to piss each other off. I'm telling you that Craig and Clyde are so gay for each other…"

"And what do you know about love, fat ass?"

"Ay, if you call me that one more time…I just happen to know a lot about love, Khal. Do I need to remind you that Nichole and Token are together because of me? I knew they were a perfect match for each other and so are Craig and Clyde." Stan gave me a look before we both burst into laughter. It feels nice, just like the old times, the two of us laughing at Cartman's shit. "You don't believe me now but just wait for a few days, a week at most." I guess we hurt his pride because he takes his tray and goes to join Butters at another table but you have to admit that the idea of Craig and Clyde together is pretty crazy.

"So what are you guys doing tomorrow after school?" Stan turns to us when Cartman was far enough to not hear us anymore.

"Dun'no, I don't have plans." Kenny shrugs.

"Me neither" I answer and I hope that my voice didn't betray my eagerness. I hope that he is going to ask us to hang out or something because I really miss hanging out with him.

"My parents are out of town for the weekend and I got the house for myself. We can have a sleepover too."

"What 'bout your sis?" Kenny asks concerned and I can understand why. Shelly can be a real bitch sometimes, she can also be worse than Cartman if she wants to. I remember the last time Stan and I hung out at his place, we were playing video games and fooling around when she came and unplugged the game saying that her favorite show was about to start. We had to go and spend the rest of the evening in Stan's room, not that it bothered me. I like hanging out with Stan and don't really care what we do but I like it more when we are not interrupted or called names by Shelly.

"Nope. She's going to her boyfriend's." Both Kenny and I raise an eyebrow, then look at each other but neither of us questions Stan any further about the miracle of Shelly getting a boyfriend.

"Woohoo, let's get the party started!" Kenny thrust the air with a fist. "I'll get the beer and you get the food." Figures. Kenny never has enough food in the house but when alcohol and drugs are involved…well, that's another story.

"Don't tell Cartman though." Stan warns us and I don't see why. I would definitely never invite him and even though Kenny doesn't dislike him as much as I do, I think that he wouldn't call that fat piece of shit either.

The rest of the day passes with me daydreaming about the next weekend at Stan's. Lame, I know but I can't help it. I just want to skip the hours until then but I guess that's not possible.

The teacher is talking about some boring book that we're going to have to read later on and make an essay about it but I don't pay much attention.

There are so many things that I want to do this weekend….of course I want to have fun with my friends but I also want to talk to Stan. The conversation we started the other day is not over since he left my house in a hurry. Even though today he acted as if nothing had happened the other day I know that he is still bothered by it and I am too.

On Friday, after school, the three of us go to Kenny's house and sneak the drinks out before going to Stan's place.

"You guys wanna play a game or something?" Stan asks while Kenny puts the beers in the fridge.

"Sure" I say. I'm fine with any activity to be honest.

"So what game do you wanna play?"

"I don't know, you pick one." He takes a quick look through the shelves and picks a shooter game. We both take the controllers and start playing.

"The winner plays with me next!" Kenny shouts from the kitchen.

Kenny goes to the computer to make a music playlist and the silence is soon broken by True Sound of Liberty

I never got along with the girls at my school

Filling me up with all their morals and their rules

They pile all their problems on my head…

"God damn it Kenny, I'm too sober for that song. Can't you play something else?" Don't get me wrong, I like Code Blue but only when I have a lot of alcohol in my system.

"I can take care of that!" he disappears in the kitchen and comes back with three beers and a bag of popcorn. He opens two beers and hands them to me and Stan before he opens his and goes back to the computer to change the song. The song he chooses this time fits my mood a lot better and Kenny seems to like it too because he starts singing along

"I'm through with standin' in lines to clubs I'll never get in  
It's like the bottom of the ninth and I'm never gonna win  
This life hasn't turned out  
Quite the way I want it to be  
Tell me what you want

I want a brand new house on an episode of Cribs  
And a bathroom I can play baseball in  
And a king size tub  
Big enough for ten plus me  
Yeah, so what you need?

I take a quick look at him and barely stop myself from laughing. He's dancing around the room with his beer in a hand and pretends that the beer bottle he's holding is a mic. Kenny always liked singing and to be honest he is really good at it too.

I'm gonna trade this life  
For fortune and fame  
I'd even cut my hair  
And change my name

When the song reaches the chorus I join him singing. I know the lines well enough to be able to pay attention to the game too.

Cause we all just wanna be big rockstars  
And live in hilltop houses, drivin' fifteen cars  
The girls come easy and the drugs come cheap  
We'll all stay skinny 'cause we just won't eat

And we'll hang out in the coolest bars  
In the VIP with the movie stars  
Every good gold digger's gonna wind up there  
Every Playboy bunny with her bleach blond hair

"If you don't pay attention I'll beat you soon!" Stan teases me without taking his eyes from the TV screen.

"Oh really?" I tease him back.

"Yeah really." Well we'll see about that. I have to admit that Stan is better at games than me, not that I would admit it out loud though. How can he not be since he's spending long hours in front of them almost every day while I have to study and keep my strait A record or else my mom will…you know what? I don't even want to imagine what she'd do to me.

She can do really crazy shit sometimes and I don't want to be her target when she's angry so I do my best to meet her expectations.

Don't look at me that way! I'm not the perfect son, I do have fun and do things that my mom would freak out to know that I do but as long as she doesn't know about them I'm safe. Not that I haven't been caught, Ike is a really smart kid for his age and he seems to read me like an open book even when my parents are oblivious.

When we were younger, my cousin Kyle came to visit and I payed Cartman to be nice to him and to my surprise he was. That ass hole can't be nice for long though, just as soon as Kyle went home, Cartman started ripping on me more than ever. When Stan asked him to just stop he said that there's catching up to do and that the deal between us was that he must be nice to my cousin not to me. I should have been used to Cartman's ripping by then and immune to it but I wasn't. It always bothered me, sometimes more than other times and this time it drove me crazy so I beat the shit out of him. But when the teachers came, Stan defended me saying that he was the one who hit Cartman earning himself three days of detention. I still don't understand how the teachers believed him while Cartman was screaming 'It wasn't him, it was the f'king Jew! He's lying!' while holding his bleeding nose.

I felt really guilty back then but I didn't admit the truth since I was afraid of mom. Stan was grounded and wasn't allowed to see his friends or girlfriend and I decided to make Stan's life less miserable so I pretended to be sick and skip school so that I could sneak in Stan's room every day and keep him company.

Anyway, Ike found out and I thought I was done for but he promised not to tell mom. We had that agreement ever since. Not only that he doesn't rat me out but he even covers for me sometimes and I also cover for him, of course. He even knows that I'm gay even though I never told him but he keeps that secret too.

To prove Stan that I can win the game I do a really stupid thing. I kill his character and give him a victory smirk. I know I cheated but I just felt like doing it.

"That's it!" he puts his controller away and stands up, his ocean blue eyes fixed on me. Out of instinct I crawl to the corner of the couch as he comes towards me "I'm gonna beat your ass right now" he says halfheartedly. I know he's not angry, he's just fooling around. He starts tickling me and I try to push him away from me. He falls on the floor but drags me with him and I fall on top of him. Taking advantage of our position, I pin him down but he flips our positions easily.

"Does this mean that I play with Kyle next?" Kenny asks before he opens another beer.

"No way! I won!" Stan's attention diverts to Kenny as he whines and that's when I get him off of me.

"You two can have your game" I say as I get my own beer that is still untouched on the floor near the couch.

After Stan plays a game with Kenny we fool around singing and drinking some more, then we watch a movie recommended by Kenny that surprisingly wasn't porn. It was a horror movie and we spend the two hours ripping on the bad special effects, lack of originality or plot for that matter, bad acting and what not. I ask Kenny why he picked that movie because it sucks big time and he says that the main character is and I quote 'a really hot chick'. I roll my eyes and he says 'Didn't you pay attention to that scene where she's naked in the shower?' go figure. I throw a pillow in his face and tell him that we'll never again watch a movie recommended by him. He giggles and opens another beer even though he's already had more than enough alcohol for the night, but then so have we. Still he offers us too.

"I'm tired of beer" says Stan before he goes to the basement where his father is keeping his own stash and comes back with a bottle of Tequila. "Come on let's go out for a bit."

"Why?" I ask.

"Just because…" Ok that's not an answer but I guess we can go out if that's what he wants.

"Good idea, I wanna have a smoke too." Kenny says.

We all go out and sit on the door steps as Kenny takes out a packet of cigarettes out of his parka's pocket and lights one for himself.

"Can I have one, dude?" Stan asks and Kenny hands him the cigarettes and lighter.

"You smoke?" I ask surprised as he lights up a cigarette. I've never seen him smoke before.

"Not really, just sometimes…." He takes a mouthful from the bottle in his hand before he gives it to Kenny who does the same and passes it to me. I stare at the bottle for a moment not really sure whether I should drink some more.

"Oh come on Kyle, join us" Kenny urges sensing my hesitation.

"Oh what the heck?" I take the bottle from him and have a drink. I feel I'm going to need this if I'm going to talk to Stan, that is if we don't pass out on the couch before we do have the talk.

The first one to pass out is Kenny since he's the one who drank the most. Stan and I are still on the steps outside.

"God, I almost forgot how much fun we always had together" Stan says.

"And who's fault is that?"

"Mine I guess…."

"You're damn right." I'm almost expecting him to start a fight again but when he doesn't I gather my courage to talk to him. "Stan?"

"Yeah?"

"Are you still upset about… that?" he takes another drink from the bottle avoiding my gaze.

"I'm not upset" he eventually says.

"What then? You stormed out without a word. What was that all about?"

"I don't know" he says bluntly.

"You don't know?"

"No, but I'm trying to figure out." He's trying to figure out? Figure out what? If he loves me or not? Fuck. Maybe I did drink too much. "You know how much I love Wendy, don't you?" Why the fuck is he talking about Wendy? I thought this was about us.

"Yeah, so?"

"I like hanging out with her but sometimes it's too much pressure." I laugh.

"Now you sound like Tweek!"

"No, I mean it. She has this image of the perfect boyfriend in her head and I have to be like that image or else she gets angry. She likes me to take her out and get her presents so that she can brag to her girlfriends the next day and I always have to say the right things in front of her friends or else she'll freak out on me when we're alone. I swear, it's like she is having a best boyfriend contest with Bebe or something. Sometimes I'm so tensed while I'm with her, it's like I'm walking on thin ice… that's why I didn't spend so much time with you lately. I wanted to be the way she wants me to, so that she wouldn't break up with me again. I'm sorry." Wow, I didn't know their relationship was like that but that just proves that I was right. She doesn't deserve him. "With you on the other hand, I can just chill. I'm comfortable with you no matter what we do. I know that you wouldn't judge me or want to change me." Sorry but you got that one wrong, Stan. There is one thing that I would want to change at you.

"I'm glad you feel that way but I still don't understand what's bothering you."

"The other day was the first time when I thought that maybe I should feel comfortable with Wendy not with you."

"What the fuck is that supposed to mean?" I snap leaning closer to him. Why would he want me to be an annoying bitch? How can he say something like that to me after so many years of friendship?

Then he crashes his lips on mine and takes me aback. I just stand there stunned, eyes wide and I feel like crying. This is what I've been wanting for years, my biggest secret is my love for Stan. I discovered that I was in love with my best friend a few years ago, that's how I knew I was gay. I never loved any other boy but him so I'm not sure if that makes me gay or just gay for Stan. Sure I did have a crush on a girl in third grade and maybe that helped me keep my secret but it was just a crush, no strong feelings, not for long. Does that make me bi?

He breaks the kiss and I'm finally able to move again even though I'm shaking.

"Don't do something that you're going to regret in the morning, Stan" The words came out as a loud whisper because I can't make myself to be louder as silent tears fall down on my face.

"Was it that bad?" he asks but I just look at him and cry. I just know that he did it because he's drunk, he doesn't mean it, and he doesn't love me like that. "I'm sorry if it was." No, no, no that's not it. I touch his cheek gently and he looks at me surprised.

"I just don't want to lose you again." He gently wipes the tears off my face with his thumb but more fall down.

"Do you mind if I….if I do it again?" I don't react and he leans again gently touching my lips with his. I close my eyes and respond as he deepens the kiss. I know we're both going to regret this in the morning.

He gets up and heads for the door but seeing that I don't follow he turns to me.

"Let's go inside. It's getting cold out here" I nod and follow him inside. "Let's go to my room, I'm getting tired."

We go to his room and he crushes on the bed while I just want to break this silence with some loud music. I open YouTube and play Gotta be Somebody, a meaningful message for Stan.

This time, I wonder what it feels like  
To find the one in this life, the one we all dream of  
But dreams just aren't enough  
So I'll be waiting for the real thing, I'll know it by the feeling  
The moment when we're meeting, will play out like a scene  
Straight off the silver screen  
So I'll be holding my breath, right up 'til the end  
Until that moment when, I find the one that I'll spend forever with

I don't expect him to get it though, not after drinking so much. I don't even know if he pays attention to the lyrics.

'Cause nobody wants to be the last one there  
'Cause everyone wants to feel like someone cares  
Someone to love with my life in their hands  
There's gotta be somebody for me like that  
'Cause nobody wants to go it on their own  
And everyone wants to know they're not alone  
There's somebody else that feels the same somewhere  
There's gotta be somebody for me out there

"How long?" he asks.

"What?" I ask not knowing what he's talking about.

"Kyle, you kissed me back. You like me, don't you? And now I'm asking for how long?"

I shrug still pretending to pay attention to the computer screen. I can't look at him right now, not when I feel like crying again. "I don't know…a few years?" I say as casually as I can.

"For God's sake, Kyle…." He raised his voice, he must be angry with me, hate me even. He may be disgusted that his best friend is gay. I just wish I could shut my mind and make all these thoughts go away, because they're driving me crazy.

Tonight, out on the street, out in the moonlight  
And dammit this feels too right, it's just like deja vu  
Me standing here with you  
So I'll be holding my breath, could this be the end  
Is it that moment when, I find the one that I'll spend forever with

"Why didn't you tell me sooner?" he pushes himself in a standing position and even though I don't look at him I can feel him stare at me.

"I never told you, you figured it out on your own." That's right Kyle, be casual.

You can't give up, (when you're looking for)  
A diamond in the rough ('cause you never know)  
When it shows up, (make sure you're holding on)

"I thought we didn't keep secrets from each other, Kyle!" He's more calm now, that's good. Maybe now he can listen to my point of view.

I finally find the courage to face him and turn around to look into his ocean blue eyes. "And what did you expect me to do? Join you and your girlfriend at your table and say 'Hello Stan, Wendy, beautiful day isn't it? By the way Stan, I just figured out that I'm in love with you'?" I see a mixture of feelings in them: concern, sadness and maybe a little bit of guilt and frustration.

'Cause it could be the one, the one you're waiting on  
'Cause nobody wants to be the last one there  
And everyone wants to feel like someone cares  
Someone to love with my life in their hands  
There's gotta be somebody for me, oh

Maybe I raised my voice too much because he seems to be startled "No, it's just…"

"Besides you said it yourself, you love Wendy." I continue with my casual voice again as I pretend to find something interesting on the computer.

"It's just that I thought I knew everything about you."

"Really? Did you know what the last months were like for me? Not knowing if you were angry with me or there was some other reason for not talking to me. Do you know what it's like for me now? Wondering if you will hate me, if you will stop being my friend because now you know the one thing I never told you."

Nobody wants to go it on their own  
And everyone wants to know they're not alone  
There's somebody else that feels the same somewhere

He comes by my side and cups my face in his palms, raising my head so that he can look into my eyes "I could never hate you Kyle, no matter what."

There's gotta be somebody for me out there  
Nobody wants to be the last one there  
'Cause everyone wants to feel like someone cares  
There's somebody else that feels the same somewhere  
There's gotta be somebody for me out there

"And I promise to hang out with you for as long as you want from now on."

"What about Wendy?" This is my eternal question regarding Stan. Somehow he always ends up with Wendy. I don't expect him to return my feelings, I never did although I dream about it, but I can't lose him as a friend. That would tare me apart.

"Wendy is never going to come between our friendship ever again." He drops his hands and we're not touching anymore but our eyes still meet.

"So we're still friends?"

"No…we're super best friends." He smiles at me and my lips curve upwards into a smile too. "I'm sorry Ky… I love you but I don't see myself being with you in the same way I am with Wendy."

"I sure hope not, 'cause I don't want us to be on and off friends all the time" I try to free the tension even though my heart sunk at his confession. "And I'm not so demanding either…"

"Oh, I don't know about that…" he teases playfully and I push him in the chest which makes him fall on the bed.

"I'll make you take back those words" And that's how we start another one of our halfheartedly fights until we are too tired to move.

We just lay there on our backs on the bed. I turn to look at Stan and he does the same, we stay like that for a while before I get up to close the distance between us. I need this, it may be our last kiss and now that I know he doesn't hate me I have the courage to get what I want for the last time. Tomorrow we'll be super best friends again and I would never kiss my super best friend against his will.

He closes his eyes and responds to my kiss. His reaction gives me the courage to put all my passion in it. When we brake for air I cuddle beside him as YouTube plays a new song.

But if there's a pill to help me forget,

God knows I haven't found it yet

But I'm dying to, God I'm trying to

'Trying not to love you, only goes so far

Trying not to need you, is tearing me apart

Can't see the silver lining, down here on the floor

And I just keep on trying, but I don't know what for

'Cause trying not to love you

Only makes me love you more

Only makes me love you more

Ironically isn't it? That's exactly what I'm trying to do, trying not to love him. I'm hopeless.

In the morning I wake up with a terrible head ache, way to go Kyle. I turn to look at Stan but he seems to be asleep. I don't know for sure since he has his back turned at me.

"Stan?" I call him not too loud propping on an elbow. I don't want to wake him up, I just want to check if he's awake.

"Yeah."

"Do you happen to have something for headaches?"

He opens the night stand's drawer and gives me a pill that I take gladly.

"Are you ok?" he asks concerned.

"No, but I'll be fine as soon as this pill does its magic. You?" I swallow the pill without any liquid and frown at the bitter taste, then drop my head back on the pillow.

"I don't have a head ache. You know that I handle these things better than you." That's true. "I'll go make some breakfast. What do you want?"

"I just want the pain to go away." When he gets out of bed I drag the blanket from his side of the bed and cover myself up to my neck as I push my head deeper into the pillow.

"You can come downstairs as soon as you feel better. I'll make sure that Kenny doesn't eat everything before then."

"Thanks" He goes downstairs leaving me alone and without a distraction, thoughts about last night come into my mind. I wonder if he remembers the first kiss, or the last one. Does he regret it? Will he run back to Wendy pretending that nothing happened? So many questions and so few answers. I've known Stan for as long as I can remember and he became so predictable. I ended up knowing what he is thinking just by looking at him but I'll be damned if I know what he is thinking now.

When I feel well enough to go downstairs I find Stan, Kenny and Cartman in the kitchen eating breakfast. Yes, Cartman is here and I'm just as surprised as you are. I have no idea how or why he ended up here but whatever.

"Jew." He acknowledges my presence with a nod from the head.

"What are you doing here?" I ask not really curious about his reasons but rather annoyed that he crashed our little party.

"As I was telling Stan and Kinny earlier I want you to join my band."

"Your band." I raise an eyebrow at him. He's talking nonsense again and we learned throughout the years that that's not a good sign since he's also acting according to his nonsense most of the time.

"Yes Khal, I am starting a band for next week's Band Hero contest at Token's house. Everyone's into it."

"So why don't you ask Butters or somethin'?" I start looking for something left to eat and maybe some coffee.

"Khal? Have you seen Butters play Guitar Hero lately?"

"No?" I answer while I fill a plate with eggs, cheese and toast then take a seat at the table next to Stan.

"My point exactly. He sucks. Big time. You on the other hand used to be the best players in town and I'm sure that in one week I can get you back in shape." I stop eating to look at him and raise an eyebrow. What the fuck is he talking about? Stan and I broke Guitar Hero records due to the sleepless nights that we spent in front of the game, not thanks to Cartman who watched us while sitting on the couch eating Cheesy Poofs.

"What if we don't want to join?" I ask before I resume eating.

"Yeah, we didn't say that we'll join you, fat ass." Stan goes to make me some much appreciated coffee and hands me the cup. "We play the game for fun not to win some stupid competition."

"Yes but just think about it Stan. If you have fun AND win a competition you get double fun." Cartman says with a theatrical gesture. Does that even make sense? You know what? Don't answer that.

"Ok but if we do it, it's going to be on our terms. And I mean if."

"Fine." Stan looks at me, then at Kenny as if asking what we want to do.

"It could be fun." Kenny points out.

"Thank you Kinny. Stan, Khal?"

"Fine, but if I don't have fun, I'm out." I say putting my now empty plate in the sink.

"That's all I need. Ok then we start practice today at my house."


	3. Chapter 3

Here we are, at Token's house and I wonder why the fuck did we come. Oh, right. We are here because Cartman didn't fill us in with all the details, if he did we wouldn't have come. Remember that stupid fight between Craig and Clyde? Well, Token and Nichole had an argument after Craig started to flirt with Nichole and she decided to break up with Token so now Token wants to impress Nichole by winning this contest. Apparently there are other couples that broke up thanks to those two idiots and everyone is using this contest to get attention from their ex.

It's a stupid idea if you ask me but I seem to be the only one thinking that way. Everyone I know in school is here.

"Hello, Stan!" Wendy comes towards us followed by Bebe, Red and Heidi.

"Hey, Wendy" Stan answers on a casual tone that makes me wonder. He used to be so happy and eager to see Wendy that it made me sick….or jealous, or a little bit of both since I wanted Stan to be so eager to see me not her. I should probably not overanalyze this though.

"Can I talk to you in private?" she asks. Stan nods and lets her drag him further away from us so we can't hear what they're talking about. I try to look uninterested in what they do but I just can't keep my eyes away from Stan. What if they work things out and get back together? I would lose him again. But then again he might not forgive her and then I'd have a chance.

Eventually Stan comes back to us, not very happy and I try hard to look away. God, it would be so embarrassing if he caught me staring at him.

"So what now?" he asks Cartman who laughs hysterically as Kenny giggles while looking at me. I guess they were talking about me, the bastards.

"Now we find a room for you and Kyle." Kenny answers instead making me blush. I want to say something in my defense but I don't need all the attention fixed on me.

"What the fuck Ken?" I look at Stan and try to read him. He doesn't seem disgusted by the idea but that doesn't mean he feels the way I do.

"Kyle looks like he would want some privacy with you and I most certainly want both of you in private or not." he winks at Stan giving him a gentle nudge with his elbow as a poor attempt to flirt making both Stan and I turn a deep shade of red. We all know that Kenny is bi and that he does really care where he does it or when or with who but I always get embarrassed when he makes jokes like that. "If you don't want it I can get Kyle all to myself."

"Will you stop it so we can play." Stan pinches the bridge of his nose in annoyance.

"Don't worry, there's enough Kenny for both of you."

"I mean Band Hero, Kenny."

"Oh….oh yeah. We play after Wendy's band. Why don't we go watch until then?" Cartman led the way closer to the huge TV set in Token's Livingroom where Craig and Christophe were playing lead and bass guitar, Tweek was drumming and Damien doing the vocals on N.E.R.D's 'Rock Star'. I have to admit that they were good even though Tweek made a few mistakes, probably due to pressure.

Next came Clyde singing Everclear's 'Santa Monica' with Gregory, Pip and Kevin, then Token with Bradly, Jimmy and Timmy playing Duran Duran's 'Rio'. Then it was Wendy's turn to take the microphone as Red, Bebe and Heidy took their places at the instruments and when she started singing 'You belong with me' my heart sank. I almost forgot what a beautiful voice she had. God, she sings this better than Taylor Swift.

You're on the phone with your girlfriend  
She's upset  
She's going off about something that you said  
'Cause she doesn't get your humor like I do  
I'm in my room  
It's a typical Tuesday night  
I'm listening to the kind of music she doesn't like  
And she'll never know your story like I do'

I keep watching her but my mind drifts away from the song. It's obvious that she wants to draw Stan's attention and how can she not when singing this song.

As she starts the corus she turns to look at Stan and I find myself doing the same. He just stands there, watching her and once again I can't tell what he's thinking. Is he going to forgive her? Are they going to get back together after this?

Suddenly I don't want to be here anymore, I want to be alone, somewhere far away from Stan and Wendy but I can't just leave without raising questions from everyone else.

If you can see I'm the one that understands you

Been here all along so why can't you see

You belong with me

You belong with me

When the song is over she comes towards us and smiles at Stan. "I'm sorry for the fight we had and I hope that you can forgive me, Stan. You do belong with me because we are the best partners for each other."

"Yeah, I know." He says before taking his place at the lead guitar. My eyes linger on Wendy a moment longer as she takes her place in the crowd.

"Ready Kahl?" Cartman asks and I nod. I take my place at the bass guitar, Cartman takes the drums and Kenny starts singing 'Kong Fu fighting'. I try to keep my mind focused on the task at hand as I watch the colored dots fly on the screen but it keeps drifting away to Stan. I spare a moment to look at him and I see him focused on his controller, not at all affected by what Wendy had said earlier.

"I'm never going to do this again." I scream in frustration. We just left Token's house with Cartman holding the prize money and counting them over and over again but I don't feel any satisfaction. After the scores were presented and we were declared the winners everyone started fighting once again.

"You won't have to, Jew. I'm rich already." Cartaman points out as he flutters the money in front of my eyes.

"Whatever" I turn my head not interested in his stupid teasing.

"You do realize that is our money, fat ass." Stan points out "We went with your shit for an entire week so you better give us our share."

"Hell, yeah!" Kenny says.

"Screw you guys" Cartman takes his money giving the rest to Kenny and leaves frustrated. I don't really care where he went, I'm just glad he did. We walk in silence for a few minutes before Kenny talks.

"Do you guys believe what Cartman says?"

"About what?" Stan asks.

"About Craig and Clyde being gay for each other."

"I donno. It just seems weird that's all."

"Hmmm….Do you wanna go celebrate? We can go eat something."

"Yeah." Stan says but I don't feel like going anywhere. What the fuck am I supposed to celebrate?

"I'm not coming." Stan looks at me concerned.

"Are you ok, dude?" he asks tilting his head a little in an attempt to see my face which is lowered with my eyes watching the sidewalk as if there was something interesting on it.

"Yeah, I'll just head home. You go!" After a moment of silence Kenny waves us goodbye and leaves towards City Wok but to my surprise Stan is still by my side.

"What are you angry about?" he asks.

I give him an 'I can't believe you don't know' look but he just raises his shoulders in an 'I don't know' manner.

"Didn't you see the fights and arguments back there before we left? I was looking for fun not for that shit and it's all Cartman's fault."

"They'll fix things out eventually."

"Are you going to fix things out too?" He looks at me a little puzzled.

"What do you mean?"

"With Wendy…." As soon as I say that name his face turns into a frown.

"Kyle…..she's sorry. She wants us to get together again."

"Well, are you?" I almost shout because right now I feel betrayed. Why? I don't know. It's not like he cheated on me since we were never together in the first place but I just feel that way.

"I don't know. I'm…..confused. I mean I want to, but can I really compete with Clyde?"

"What the fuck are you talking about? The guy probably gave her free shoes from his dad's store." I can't believe I just said that. It's as if I'm trying to get them together again.

"That's what I can't compete with. The only thing I can give her is a free beer from my dad's stash."

I giggle "She might not want that."

"I know."

"But you can give me one, you know? I would appreciate one right now." He smiles back at me.

"Ok then, let's go." He walks a little faster but I don't speed up.

"And Stan…" he stops and turns around to look at me. "If all she cares about is free shoes she doesn't deserve you. You're better than Clyde in every way." He walks away again looking in front as I follow him.

"I know how you feel, Kyle but I thought we discussed this before. I don't see the two of us as I see Wendy and I. We might get married, have kids and get our own house one day. But you and I…. we can't do that." Why not? I want to scream. Why can't we get an apartment and live together? We could get jobs to pay for the rent. I don't give a shit about marriage and if we will ever want kids, we can adopt. I say none of that though.

The walk to his house is quiet after that. When we reach his house I can hear Stan's parents arguing upstairs but I can't really tell what they're talking about. We stop on the porch and Stan signals me to stay.

"Wait here, I'll be right back." He goes in and a few minutes later comes out with four beers and a bag of popcorn. "I don't like to be in the house when they do that." He says casually tossing me a beer and opening the popcorn bag.

"Why didn't you tell me before?" I open my beer and look at him walk further towards his back yard. I follow him, still waiting for an answer.

"It's not that bad. They argue sometimes but not that often. It's just that these fights remind me of the divorce back when we were kinds and I hate that. I don't want that to happen again." I put a hand on his shoulder in a consolation attempt.

"Do you want to sleep over tonight?" I ask concerned, remembering the time when his parents argued before divorcing back in elementary school. When things got really bad at home, Stan would come late at night in my room through the window and we would talk until he fell asleep. He said that he couldn't fall asleep at home with all the yelling but I knew that there was more to it than that. He felt the constant tension in his home, I felt it too when I went over after school sometimes, and it kept him awake, thinking.

"Nah…." He shakes his head "I can deal with it." He goes to sit down on the stairs of his back door and I do the same.

"You don't have to, you know. I'm here for you."

"I know you are, but I have to."

"Why?"

"Because…." He takes a deep breath "Because it's my fault." I can't believe he thinks that. How can he believe that he has anything to do with his parents not getting along. The only thing that any parent can accuse Stan of is not studying hard enough, but that's not a reason to fight.

"Don't say that!" I snap at him grabbing his wrist "Don't ever say that." I go on with a softer voice but still not letting go.

"I didn't tell you before but my dad says the same thing your parents did…. That we're too close. He even said that Wendy was right to go with Clyde." My eyes widen and I let go of his hand.

"The fuck Stan! We didn't talk in months."

"I know it's just….everything about us makes people think that we are too close. Dad doesn't want a gay son though mom doesn't mind and I don't want to give him the wrong impression. That's why they fight sometimes." I slap Stan on the cheek, hard. He puts a hand on the stinging cheek and looks at me.

"How dare you! Did you already forget what you did? You know what? Fuck this shit." I start running in the street and as far away from his house as possible. I don't want him to see the tears that threaten to form in my eyes. Where am I going? I don't know, just away. It doesn't matter, I just want to be alone.

How dare he say that he doesn't want his dad to get the impression that he's gay after he kissed me and liked it. How long is he going to lie to himself and everyone else and how long is he going to play with my feelings? Doesn't he know what he does to me? I guess he doesn't because he's too concerned with what other people think to pay attention to his own feelings. That night was a huge mistake. I thought that I would be happy if I got just one kiss from him, nothing more, I thought that I could go back to being just best friends and keep my feelings bottled up but I can't. It hurts too much, more than before. I just can't go back, not after that kiss.

"Hey, Broflovsky!" I hear someone calling my name and I stop to look around after wiping my tears with the back of my sleeve. Craig is standing on the other side of the road, one hand in his pocket and the other one holding a cigarette. "What's the rush?" he asks in his monotonous voice.

"Nothing." Is all I say. He crosses the street without looking out for any cars, coming towards me. I wonder what he wants. It's not like Craig and I socialized that much, actually we barely ever spoke. I used to spend my time with Stan, Kenny and Cartman and he used to spend his time with Clyde, Tweek and Token so we never got to interact that much. Besides Craig is not the kind of guy you would approach to talk to if you know what I mean. He's too quiet, blunt, rude and with a bored expression on his face all the time.

"Right….nothing."

"What do you want, Craig?" He takes in a smoke from his cigarette and makes a smoke ring in the chilly evening air.

"Wanna hang out? We watch his smoke ring as it disappears into thin air. When it does, he is still without an answer from my behalf so he turns his gaze at me.

"Sure. Can we get a beer or something?" I need one more than before and I didn't get to finish the one that I opened at Stan's.

"Yeah." We quietly walk to the convenience store and Craig comes out with a full bag. I have no idea what he bought but I think there are a few beers in there too.

"How did you get that?" He gives me the bag and gets himself another cigarette and lights it up. I take this time to look in the bag and indeed there are some beers and cigarettes.

"Fake ID" he says as he puts the lighter back in his pocket. Why am not surprised that Craig has something like that. We drink too but we get our stuff from Kenny's or Stan's dad or his uncle Jimbo. They have more than enough for the three of us.

We go to the park and sit on a bench. This place, which is full of life and noisy at daytime is so abandoned and quiet at night. I can't remember when it was the last time I came here at night, but I used to come with Stan when we were younger just to talk or hang out and watch the stars. Why do all these memories about Stan come back to me? I look up at the sky and try to identify the constellations in an attempt to think about something else.

"Congratulations." I turn to look at Craig who was opening a beer and handing it to me.

"Don't remind me." I take the beer. "It was a total fiasco."

"It was." He takes a sip out of his own.

"Do you mind if I ask you what's going on between you and Clyde?"

"What do you mean?"

"The bet. Why did you seduce all those girls?"

"Because I can and because Clyde is a douchbag."

"Care to elaborate?"

"No. But believe me, it's over. Clyde won. I can't compare to free shoes." That's exactly what Stan said earlier and hearing it again makes me smile a little. "What's so funny?" Craig asks.

"That's exactly what Stan said about Wendy. He is afraid that Wendy will choose Clyde instead of him because of that."

"Clyde won't touch her again." That's interesting information. How can Craig be sure that Clyde will not sleep with a girl a second time especially a hot one, without a boyfriend.

"Why?" he takes another sip from his beer.

"Because Clyde never fucked a bitch twice." Colorful language but I get the message. "So what happened to you?"

"I just had an argument with Stan."

"Problems in paradise?"

"You could call it that. I don't know what he wants from me anymore." I gulp down half of my beer as Craig gets himself another cigarette.

"So give him time and space. That's what I do with Clyde."

"Can I have one too?" I ask pointing at his cigarette. He looks at me for a moment as if wanting to say 'Are you sure?' or 'I didn't know you smoke' but says nothing. Instead he hands me the packet and lighter. I take them glad that he didn't ask anything and light one cigarette. "Did you two fight?"

"Kind of." Damn Craig.

"Why did you bring me here?"

"I thought we could hang out."

"Then why didn't you hang out with Tweek or Token?

"I'm gay, but you probably already know that. Tweek just needs time to digest this information."

"You like him, don't you?"

"Who?"

"Clyde." He opens another beer and takes a gulp out of it.

"Maybe" I'm right, I know it. Cartman was right, well at least half right. "Did you spill your guts to Stan? Is that why you had a fight?"

"That's not exactly what happened but how did you know?" I am a little surprised that Craig noticed. I thought that he didn't pay any attention to us.

"Everyone in South Park knows that you are gay for each other." I take a smoke from the cigarette Craig gave me followed by beer.

"If it's true, he's in denial." Why do I feel so comfortable talking about personal things to Craig out of all people? I like the way we are sitting here in the quiet park drinking, smoking and talking. It's comforting.

"Nothing new. Do you think we could hang out more often?" I give him a smile.

"Sure."


	4. Chapter 4

The weekend passed and I didn't talk to Stan after our fight. I'm still angry with him and I'm thinking of following Craig's advice and give him some time and space. He needs to sort out his thoughts and so do I.

On Monday morning I get to school early as usual and I spot Craig in the parking lot leaning against a tree, smoking. He's looking strait towards me so he obviously noticed me but doesn't move, nor says anything.

What the hell, I'll go and ask him to join us at lunch. He's been spending lunch time alone for long enough.

As I approach him he throws his finished cigarette in the garbage can and takes his package out of the pocket offering me one.

"Hey Craig!" I greet him as I take his offer "Thanks." He takes his lighter and lights my cigarette followed by his own. "Why are you here so early?"

"Could ask you the same thing." He puts the lighter in his jacket's pocket.

"Yeah but I usually come early to school, well lately anyway." I sit on the grass beside him.

"Couldn't stand my fucked up family this morning." I didn't know he had it tough at home but maybe that explains his personality.

"So….I thought you might want to join us for lunch today….you know, so that you don't eat alone."

"Maybe."

"Just think about it. So… do you think that people calmed down since Token's contest?"

"Some of them anyway. I'm still expecting your friend, Lard Butt to rub it in our face." Remembering the last time I saw Carman makes me laugh.

"He's not that happy for winning, you know?"

"Why the fuck not?"

"Because he had to split the money with us." I smirk.

"That makes sense."

As I am about to finish my cigarette I get up and spot Stan parking his car a few feet away from us. He gets out of the car and looks towards us.

"Craig" he acknowledges the other raven and Craig flips him the bird, "Kyle, we need to talk. I'm sorry for what happened and I want to make it up to you." I guess he noticed the cigarette in my hand because the next thing the asks is "Since when do you smoke?"

"Since I ran away from your house and Stan, you don't have to make it up to me."

"I don't?" he asks me confused "I thought you were angry!"

"I am and I think that we need some time away from each other." This caught him off guard.

"But I thought you didn't want us to stop talking or being friends."

"I don't." I admit. "But I can't go on like this either.

"Kyle, please, don't do this." He comes closer to me and grabs my arm "What do you want me to do?"

"Make up your mind and let me know where I stand in your life." I grab his wrist trying to get free from his grip and to my surprise he lets go easily.

"You know how important you are to me, Kyle. You are my best friend." I look into his ocean blue eyes, the eyes that I always loved, even before I realized that I was in love with Stan, and I saw pain reflected in them, pain caused by me. I turn away from him heading towards the school's door, followed by Craig.

"Kyle!" I hear Stan call my name one last time but I don't stop.

I'm sitting at my desk as Mr. Garrison is explaining 'Saved by the Bell', a classic along with 'Beverly Hills' as he calls it, in literature class, trying not to turn around and look at Stan who is standing next to me. I'm glad I don't have to pay attention to this shit since it's not required for any exam because the only thing on my mind right now is Stan….and Craig.

Stan is sitting next to me but since we have one person desks he is far enough to make me feel comfortable. Still I have to force myself not to look at him. Kenny passes me a note from behind me, giving me an occupation for some time and I'm grateful for that. Unfolding the note I read 'Wanna ditch after brake?'. It's not signed but I know it's not from Kenny so I turn around to look at the only other person who could have sent it, Craig. He looks back at me as if waiting for an answer. I don't know what to tell him, I'm not the kind of student who skips school, but right now I can't focus so why not?

I turn back and see Stan watching me but pay no attention to him and write my answer to Craig: 'Sure, I suppose Saved by the Bell is a long movie'. Next class is with Mr. Garrison too so I expect him to go on with his movies.

"We'll finish today with Saved by the Bell, but before we get to Beverly Hills I want you all to write a paper about an extraordinary story named Death in Venice." Mr. Garrison finishes his speech.

"That's gay." Cartman points out.

"It happens to be a fine beginning of a romance, Eric." Mr. Garrison says.

"A gay romance."

"Eric Cartman, this attitude is going to take you strait to the principal's office and tomorrow you will present a paper about the importance of this movie in cinematography, in front of the class."

"Sweet."

"And after that you will present us 'Brokeback Mountain' so if you haven't seen the movie yet I suggest you watch it."

"Will it turn me gay?" Cartman received an angry glare from Garrison.

Great, now I feel like skipping literature for the rest of the year.

Craig and I sneaked out as fast as we could and I sent Kenny a text to cover for us.

"So what did you have in mind, Craig?" I ask Craig as soon as we are far enough from school.

"Nothing. We could watch a movie or go to the arcade."

"Don't tell you are planning on taking me to that movie we're supposed to write a paper about." I tease Craig.

"I may be gay Broflovsky, but not that gay."

"Are you saying that Cartman was right and the movie is gay?" I honestly have no idea what that movie is about but the idea of listening to Cartman reading a paper about a gay movie suddenly seems funny.

"Yes, Carman was right for once. So are we going to the arcade?"

"Yeah."

Fifteen minutes later Craig and I were at the arcade racing each other. I have to admit that he's good, probably as good as Stan. I have to focus on the game if I want to beat him and I want to. I have no idea why all of the sudden this is so important to me.

"So what are you going to do about him?" Graig suddenly takes me by surprise. I rotate my steering wheel to avoid him.

"Who?"

"Stan." He drives calmly.

"I don't know!" I accelerate to catch up with him and even manage to pass by his car. I just have to stay in front of him a bit longer and I win.

"You haven't thought about it?"

"I'm taking your advice and give him space."

"No. What you're doing is to avoid him. You're not better than he was for the last months." Now wait a minute Craig Tucker, you have no right to tell me that.

"So what do you want me to do? I really don't know how to treat him anymore!" I snap at him, losing control over my car but I already lost my interest in the game.

"Be yourself and don't expect anything from him." He calmly passes the finish line and stands up.

"And you know how easy that is because that's how you charmed Clyde Donovan." My sarcasm wins me a glare from Craig.

"I'm not saying you shouldn't do anything, just don't pressure him." I roll my eyes at him.

"Sounds like you have a plan or something." He turns to leave and I follow him waiting for his answer.

"Maybe. What game do you want to play next?"

"Boxing. If you have a plan why didn't you use it with Clyde." We head to the boxing games and sit in front of our controllers.

"Because. Pick a character." I select my character and he selects his.

"Because what?" I start the game.

"Because I can't do it alone."

"Do you need my help?"

"No, but if you want to do it you're just as good as anyone. Actually I've been using this plan for a while except that it didn't work too well."

"You mean flirting with girls who are already in a relationship."

"Yeah. That was the mistake. If it wasn't for Clyde's idiocy I would have picked a guy who was not in a relationship."

"Is that where I'm supposed to come in?"

"You are not supposed to do anything, Broflovsky." We play quietly for a while but his words makes me think. Maybe I wasn't fare with Stan, maybe I started to be like Wendy and he already confessed to me how much pressure she puts on him. I think I need to apologize to him.

"Fine. I mean….we're friends, right? We can also pretend to be more than that if that serves our purpose. I mean it can't be a bigger fiasco than the last one."

"There's only one thing that can surpass that."

"Oh, really? And what may that be?" I ask curiously. I doubt there is something that Craig could have done to turn South Park upside down more than he already did.

"I could be stuck with Cartman as my boyfriend." I start laughing hard. I always thought that Craig had no sense of humor but even though he never laughs, he says some hilarious things sometimes. I can even imagine him and Cartman kissing in the hallway with Craig crushed between his locker and Cartman's fat or Cartman sitting in Craig's lap in the classroom or…."What the fuck are you laughing at?"

"Nothing, nothing…" I emphasize with my hands as I try to make myself to stop laughing. That's it Kyle, think about something else.

"Whatever. Anyway, it's late. We should get back to school." I look at my phone and realize that he's right. Mr. Garrison's class is almost over so we should go if we don't want to be late for math.

"Since when are you so eager to go to school?" I ask as we get out of the arcade and make our way to school.

"I'm looking for my boyfriend's wellbeing. I don't want your perfect record to be stained."

"Well isn't it late for you to say that after you made me skip?"

"I didn't make you do anything and it was a joke. I can't afford to skip math anymore." That makes sense. I can't even remember how many times Craig did come to math and his grades are pretty bad. Not that he is stupid or something but I think that he's just not motivated enough. From that point of view he is similar to Stan only Stan cares more about his reputation than Craig does and he does better in school because of me. Yes I'm dragging Stan with me and I'm tutoring him for my selfish reasons. I don't want to go to college without my best friend. My worst nightmares are with me attending a prestigious college far away while Stan gets a job in South Park and gets married to Wendy.

As we reach school Craig and I split up to go to our lockers and when I reach mine I find Stan standing next to it, leaning against his own.

"Kyle… I'm sorry." He starts and I look at him for the first time since this morning. This is what I should be saying, not him. "I think I didn't consider your feelings too much. I was selfish, I realize that now. Just…" he pauses as if thinking if he should be saying something or not and I sense fear and frustration in him "don't replace me." He eventually says.

"Stan, I could never do that and I'm sorry too. I thought about this and I was wrong." He looks at me dumb folded and I can understand why. It's not like I admit to be wrong very often but I would do that to save our friendship. It means too much to me, more than my pride. "I behaved like Wendy this morning, even though I dislike her."

"So, are we still friends?"

"Sure" I give him an encouraging smile.

"What about Craig?"

"What about Craig? I guess I made a new friend." He gives me a skeptic look as if saying 'really? Craig out of all people?' "He's not that bad once you get to know him."

"You mean like when he doesn't turn the entire South Park High against each other?"

"Yeah, when he doesn't do that." We laugh together like in the good old days and it feels like we never argued in the first place. That's one thing that I like about Stan, he never holds it against me for long.

A few weeks had passed and things are now back to normal in our school. The old couples are back together, some of the bruises have healed and Cartman made enough money to rent the entire Casa Bonita for his birthday. Now he is busy planning the big event that no one in their right mind is going to attend, well except for Butters who still has to get his share for helping Cartman with the bets. Mr. Garrison finished 'teaching' Beverly Hills and skipped to Married with Children. I didn't get to hear Cartman's paper about Death in Venice because Mr. Garrison sent him to the principal's office after he finished reading the first sentence but I can live with that.

Craig and I are still friends and Craig and Clyde are still not talking to each other so he joins our lunch table sometimes. Thus far everyone's been cool with it, everyone except for Carman but who cares about him? Stan and Wendy did not get back together yet but she is not the kind of girl who gives up easily. She's been trying to convince him that braking up with her was a mistake and they should make up but Stan says that he needs more time to think about it.

It's Friday afternoon and Stan and I are crashed on his bed with all the literature material scattered on the floor. You didn't think that just because Mr. Garrison didn't bother to teach us something from the curriculum I would let Stan or myself to not learn this stuff. There are lots of books that we need to read and starting early is better than later.

"God, this is boring!" Stan yawns, making me stop reading to look at him.

"You think 1984 is boring? Dude, that book gave me the chills. Are you even paying attention to what you're reading?"

"Yeah, I am!" I give him a skeptic look "Honestly. What about yours? Is it any good?"

"Yeah, I like it. I think I like it more than 1984." He shifts his position a little to get a better look at my book's cover.

"Lord of the Flies huh? Why don't we switch books?" I raise an eyebrow at him.

"Stan, I already read yours, remember?" He lets his head to fall back on the pillow in defeat and sighs.

"Yeah…right…I forgot. Why don't we take a break then, play some video games?"

"It'll be dinner time soon and I have to go in about an hour so, no, we can't take a break."

When I was about to resume my reading the door opened. It was Stan's dad.

"Uhm, hello Stan!"

"Dad?" Stan was annoyed but it didn't seem like he wasn't expecting something like this.

"So did you and Sandy get back together?"

"Oh God dad, no."He pinched the bridge of his nose, a habit he's been having since childhood "And her name is Wendy not Sandy."

"Oh, OK. Is Kyle staying for dinner?" Did I ever tell you how much I hate it when people talk about me, in front of me, as if I wasn't there? He could have asked me you know? Stan looked at me not knowing how to answer that last question and I shook my head.

"I have to go home." I say bluntly.

"Oh, OK." Is the last thing Randy says before closing the door. There's an awkward moment of silence between me and Stan and I start packing my things.

"Sorry about that." he finally says.

"There's no need to be sorry, you didn't do anything."  
"It's just that…. I don't know… he's been doing this a lot lately. He keeps on asking about Wendy, if we are back together but he can't even get her name right half the times." I hate to see Stan like this. He seems so tired and broken. I know that his parents are fighting every now and then but I didn't know that his dad is obsessed with Stan's relationships.

"Do you want to talk about this?" I finish putting my things in my backpack and I leave it on the ground, ready for when I'll be leaving.

"Yeah…." He gets up to sit on the bed by my side and I watch every move, waiting for him to continue. He doesn't look at me and I realize how hard it is for him to continue. I think I'm not going to like what I'm about to hear but I will not freak out, no, I will control my temper for once. He needs me right now. "I've been thinking…. I'll make up with Wendy. I know this is hard for you Kyle…..I'm sorry. I'll ask her out this weekend….probably go to a movie or something." I promised to control my temper and I do but his words still feel like a dagger through my heart.

"Did you forgive her?" I need to know if he loves her or is he just doing this to please his dad.

"Not really but I guess we're even now?"

"What do you mean? You never cheated on her!"

"Then why do I feel like I did?" Is he thinking what I think he's thinking? Is he comparing Wendy sleeping with Clyde with our kiss? What we did is nothing compared to what she did and why does he feel guilty? He shouldn't, not if he liked it, because then it was the right thing to do.

"You're an idiot, you know that? You did nothing wrong. Maybe I should have fucked you to give you a real reason to feel guilty." I know my words are harsh but I'm not angry with him, just sad because once again the head of the student council and popular cheerleader won. His cheeks turn to a nice shade of red and I smirk. I do have an effect on him, I always did but for some reason I was never good enough. "I'd better go now…" I take my backpack and head for the door "See you on Monday and good luck with your date. And Stan….call if you need anything." He nods in agreement and I leave closing the door behind me.


	5. Chapter 5

I kept myself busy with homework the entire weekend and Monday came in a blink. Just as I expected Stan and Wendy walked in, hand in hand, followed by now the second most popular couple in school: Bebe and Clyde.

"… night was awesome, we should do it again!" Bebe was saying as she walked in.

"Yes, I enjoyed it too." Wendy continued "I'm so glad we could sort things out, Stan." Stan didn't answer, instead he made his way to his desk followed by Wendy who climbed on his desk crossing her legs and exposing more of her perfectly shaped legs. "Aren't you?" She looked at him demanding an answer, so Stan nodded.

"Yeah."

I can't watch this scene anymore but I can't look away either. It is as if I am stunned and my body doesn't answer to the brain anymore. How can he want this, how can he prefer this to our friendship. Only that we won't be just friends anymore if we cross the line.

"Cheerleaders." I look to my left just to find Craig leaning against my desk with his arms crossed and glaring daggers towards Bebe who was chatting happily with Wendy and Clyde while Stan looked kind of absent. She had a similar position to Wendy's, only that she was sitting on Clyde's lap and he was running his fingers up and down her leg.

"You have to admit that they're hot." Craig glares at me.

"Are you talking about Bebe and Wendy or about Stan and Clyde?"

"You said cheerleaders…" Kenny came from behind putting and arm around my neck and the other around Craig's "…so he's obviously talking about Wendy and Bebe and I agree. You two shouldn't be drooling over your friends' girls though."

"Get your hands off me McCormick." Craig says with his always monotone voice so I can't tell if he's angry with Kenny or just wants some space.

"Relax. Why do you look like someone died?" Yeah, leave it to Kenny to lighten up the atmosphere.

"Why? Do I look like someone died?" Craig asks.

"Yeah, but you always look like someone died so I was actually talking to Ky." Kenny grinned but was taken by surprise by Craig who pushed him away.

"It's nothing Ken."

"Nothing my ass." He climbs on his desk, right beside me "Wendy is shoving her tongue up Stan's throat and you want me to believe that?"

"Yes he does." Craig interferes "Because he moved on and found someone better." Kenny gives him a skeptic look. I wasn't expecting Kenny to buy this shit and I wanted to fill him in with our plan from the beginning, I just didn't know when Craig was ready to make his first move.

"That's OK Craig, Ken is cool." I turn to Kenny "Craig and I are planning to act as if we're dating to see Stan's reaction."

"And Clyde's" Kenny winks at Craig "Don't worry my lips are sealed. I'll even help you."

All chatting was soon interrupted by the History teacher who entered the classroom and started the lesson. Half an hour into the lesson I decide to send a note to Craig so I rip a sheet of paper out of my notebook and write 'Do you want to come over to study after school?' After folding the paper I write 'pass it to Craig' on the top and put it on Kenny's desk. He does so and a few moments later the paper is back on my desk 'Why not? I could use some math tutoring.' 'We can play video games after that if you want.' But the answer to this last message would not come to me from Kenny but from Stan himself. As he leaned closer to me to put the note on my desk I noticed how red his face was. Did he read the note? I unfold the paper to read the last message 'No. You suck at video games but we could do something else like…you know…' at the end of the note there was a small drawing of a fist with the middle finger raised, Craig's signature sign. Now I'm sure that Stan saw the note, otherwise why would he blush?

I turn to look at him and notice that he is avoiding my gaze. This is Craig's doing. He wanted Stan to read that last note, otherwise why give it to Stan to give it to me and not to Kenny as he did before. Kenny wouldn't have read it, he doesn't care about our messages but Stan apparently does.

At the end of the class Stan approached me at my locker. "So are you and Craig, you know?" He speaks to me but doesn't look at me, instead he makes himself busy with something in his locker.

"What?" I raise an eyebrow at him pretending to be oblivious though I know what he means. Come on Stan, ask me 'So are you and Craig dating?' That's what you want to say, isn't it? Do you think I'm mean for torturing my best friend like this? Do you think I'm evil for liking to torture him? Well I'm enjoying every moment and I wouldn't give it up for anything in the world.

"Do you like him?" he finally asks.

"Yeah, he wouldn't be my friend if I didn't."

"That's not what I mean." He slams the door to his locker and looks at me for the first time since this conversation started. He doesn't raise his voice but his brows are furrowed in annoyance. "I mean more than just friends. He's been hitting on you Ky, don't tell me you didn't notice."

"I think I do…I'm willing to give him a chance." I do my best to get this lie out of my mouth and make myself believable, after all Stan knows better than anyone that I'm a terrible liar.

"What!? Why didn't you tell me?" He sounds exasperated so I suppose he didn't notice that I lied. I wish I knew his reason though. Is he angry because I didn't tell him or because I said that I like Craig?

"I was going to, I just needed some more time to think."

"Think about what?" he asks confused "Whether you should tell your best friend or not?"

"No, Stan" I let a sigh escape my mouth "I don't really know how I feel….I'm not over you….but I need to move on and Craig is my chance. He's nice once you get to know him better and I like him a lot. I just don't know if I love him." The last sentence is almost whispered. I feel terrible for lying to Stan, I've never done that before and I never want to do it again.

"I see… Well, have fun this afternoon!" He grabs his books and leaves for his next class, or maybe towards Wendy's locker….

"Hey!" Craig approaches me at the end of the school day so that we can go together to my place " What's with the long face?" he asks with his monotonous voice which makes me wonder sometimes if he is really interested in the answer or is just making conversation. Since I hesitate to answer he raises an eyebrow as he tilts his head slightly trying to catch my gaze. "Did Stan say anything to you?" Of course he would ask about Stan since he was the one who pulled that prank on my best friend today.

"No….I mean he did but this is not about what he said…"

"Will you spit it out already?" That monotonous voice of his drives me crazy sometimes. I can't even tell his emotions, is he angry now, or just impatient? I hate this feeling of insecurity that I have around him, I'm an open book in front of him and he is a total mystery.

"He asked me about you and I lied."

"Oh…" 'Oh' That's all he can say after my confession? I can't believe this guy!

"Craig….I never lied to Stan before so this is a big deal to me."

"Ok."

"Did you…did you ever lie to Clyde?" unless I know the answer to this question I can't know if he understands me or not.

"No." Good, there's still a chance that he understands why I feel so terrible. "But Clyde and I don't tell each other everything like the two of you do." My cheeks turn red in embarrassment. Why? I don't know. Should I feel embarrassed that I share everything with my best friend?

"What's so bad about that?" I ask pretending to be angry at him to hide my embarrassment.

"Nothing…just saying."

Tutoring Craig was not as hard as I thought. Considering his constant below average grades I thought that he would be a pain in the ass once set in front of a math book, just like another raven that I know, who asks about time every five minutes and complains about the difficulty of the problems every ten minutes. Craig never said a word outside the topic and I can tell that he tried to understand what I was telling him and then apply it in problems. I have to admit that it was a pleasure for me to work with him.

Homework was done fast enough and we still had plenty of time to hang out until he had to go home.

"So…did you really mean what you said about me and video games?" I ask randomly trying to make conversation and find something for us to do for the next few hours.

"That you suck? No." He starts to gather his school books and packs them in his school bag. "But you're not that good either."

A smile escapes my mouth. "I know there are a few guys who can beat me if they try but I'm not that bad." He turns to look me in the eyes for a moment and I smirk.

"Dream on Broflovski…"

"So…are we playing or not?"

"I don't wanna."

"Ok…so what do you want to do then? Watch a movie?"

"Do you have any good ones?" he asks with little interest.

"I don't know. Stan and I usually watch bad ones so that we can make fun of the bad acting, terrible special effects and lack of plot."

"What a waste of time."

"I know but it's fun!"

"I don't think so. What about tomorrow?" I look at him confused.

"What about tomorrow?"

"We should start doing something about the plan, maybe let Stan know that something happened here today…" The doorbell rings interrupting our conversation.

"Hold your thoughts, I'll be right back" I tell him before running downstairs to open the door.

As I open the door I find Stan standing there and in my confusion I hesitate to invite him in.

"Um…can I come in or am I interrupting something?" Stan never rings the doorbell at my house and I never ring at his house. If the front door and back door are locked we just climb in through the window so why change this tradition now?

"Sure…no, you're not interrupting anything. Craig and I just finished our homework." I step aside to let him in "So, where's Wendy?" He enters the house and waits for me to lock the door instead of making himself at home like he usually does.

"Shopping with Bebe for a birthday present, it's Red's birthday or something."

"I see…let's go to my room then." I hear his steps slowly following me upstairs.

"Marsh!" Craig acknowledges his presence from his place on the floor where I left him and Stan freezes in the doorway.

"Craig." Stan says with the same lack of enthusiasm as the other raven.

"You sure know how to crash a party, Marsh!" Craig says as he makes his way to the shelf where I keep my DVDs and looks for a movie. "How about this one?" He turns to me and shows me the DVD that he picked up, ignoring Stan completely.

"We were about to watch a movie" I fill Stan in "Sure, I guess that one's Ok" I nod in agreement after seeing the DVD cover. It's a horror movie if there is such a thing. To most so called horror movies Stan and I laugh better than at a comedy. The movie picked by Craig is decent though, not good, just decent. "What do you think Stan? Do you want to watch 'The Ring' with us?" The fact that Craig is almost completely ignoring Stan is obvious and I can't say that I like it, but I know why he does it so I try to make the atmosphere as bearable as possible for Stan. Don't get me wrong though, I'm not planning on ruining Craig's idea, just to prevent Stan from leaving too soon.

He raises an eyebrow and shrugs "Sure….I guess. It's a lame one though." He used to think that this was one of the decent horror movies out there but after reading the book, Stan was never able to see this movie with the same eyes again. Maybe I should try reading that book too sometimes.

"Yeah" I laugh "That's why it's going to be fun watching it again!" Craig slides the DVD in my laptop and starts the movie as Stan makes himself comfortable on my bed. There is plently of space for me to sit beside him, but I don't. Instead I sit on the floor, where Craig was previously sitting. After adjusting the position of my laptop for a better view, Craig sits beside me, a bit too close for my comfort but I shrug it off.

"Don't you guys think that this movie makes no sense?" Stan asks after watching for a while in silence.

"Makes more sense than others." I answer. "What do you think Craig?"

"I've seen worse." I nod in agreement.

"Yeah, if there's a movie that makes no sense that's 'Spiral'!" I laugh.

"Now don't insult 'Spiral'" Craig scolds me playfully. Well, as playfully as possible for him. "It doesn't make much sense but it kind of gives you the chills. Isn't that what a horror movie is supposed to do?" Craig is right. Though the special effects are bad the whole idea in that movie gives you the chills.

When the ghost appears for the first time Craig leans closer, blocking my view.

"Trust me on this one" he whispers so that only I can hear and leans to kiss me. My eyes go wide in shock but as I remember the plan, I close them and wait for whatever's happening to be over. I can feel Craig's breath on my cheek as his lips come closer to mine but they never touch. We linger like that for a while, our lips only a few millimeters apart, then he gets back and smiles at me.

"Wouldn't want you to see that ghost and have nightmares." I start laughing hard.

"Craig, you do realize that I've seen this movie before, right?" He shrugs. With the corner of my eyes I see Stan glaring daggers at us. From where he was he couldn't see what happened, so to him it must have looked like we kissed.

I appreciate the fact that Craig didn't kiss me, I'm not ready for that, not even as an act. I would have probably felt uncomfortable around him after that and spoiled everything.

I lay my head on Craig's shoulder, taking him by surprise and he slips his arm around my waist naturally. This closeness prevents me from concentrating on the movie anymore. The only thing on my mind right now is Stan. What does he think as he sees us like this? I know he feels uncomfortable, like a third wheel, I feel the same when Wendy is around, but I wonder if there are other emotions there too.

The rest of the movie was played with no other events. Craig still tried to 'protect me from the ghost and from nightmares' by covering my eyes, but that only led to giggles from my part. I wasn't watching the movie anymore anyway. I was too distracted by this game we were silently playing. At the end of the movie Stan left in a hurry, saying that he got a message from Wendy and that she finished shopping so he's going to meet her. I never heard his phone ring once though.

"Thanks." I tell Craig once we are alone in my room again.

"For what?" He asks as he puts the DVD back on the shelf.

"For not doing it." I can't make myself say the word 'kiss'.

"I thought you wouldn't want to kiss." He says, definitely not as shaken by the latest events as I am. He flips through the DVDs, taking one out every now and then and reading the summary on the back.

"Did you?" What is wrong with me? Why am I even asking that? Craig wants Clyde, not me, and I want Stan, not him.

"Did I what?"

"Did you want to kiss me?" I clarify.

"Not if you didn't want me to."

"So you did."

"I wouldn't refuse the experience." I can't believe that we are having this conversation and he is so calm about it while I'm a nervous wreck. I never thought about kissing Craig until he almost did it and now I'm seriously thinking about this possibility. What is wrong with me?

"Did you kiss a boy before?" He turns away from the DVDs to look at me.

"What do you think?" His eyes are piercing me even though his tone is calm and monotone as always.

"I asked you first."

"No. Did you kiss Stan?" I wasn't expecting him to ask me such a thing even though he has a reputation for being blunt. I don't know how to answer, should I tell him what happened between the two of us or not? Can I consider Craig a close enough friend to confide in him? "You did, didn't you!" It wasn't a question. He must have figured it out since I hesitated with the answer. I nod. "What was it like? Was it the way you expected it to be?"

"Yes and no. We were drunk." He snorts and rolls his eyes. "What?!" I ask annoyed.

"Nothing. So do you want me to kiss you or something?" What? Where did that come from all of the sudden? I'm starting to feel butterflies in my stomach and my voice cracks a little.

"Why are you asking me that?"

"You asked me if I want to kiss you first." He states bluntly.

He's right. I was the one who started this stupid conversation and I don't even know why. Why am I even thinking about the possibility of kissing Craig?

"I just wonder what it feels like….you know….when you're sober."

"Kissing me or Stan?" I can feel my cheeks and ears burning and I can even imagine what I must look like right now. I've probably already turned into a tomato. I am expecting Craig to say something that will embarrass me even further but instead he leans closer to me and lays a hand on my cheek then studies me intensely. After my face stops burning he fills the gap between us with a gentle kiss. It doesn't feel awkward as I expected it to be, so I close my eyes and kiss back. After a while which seemed too short he brakes the kiss and steps back. Nothing is said afterwards, we just look into each other's eyes trying to understand each other's emotions but he's unfazed as always "It's late, I better go." He eventually says and I nod in agreement. Damn it Craig! Why can he turn me upside down, make me an emotional wreck and leave with a straight face?

As I lay in bed, trying to get some sleep, I can only think about Craig's kiss. It felt so warm. It made me feel loved, not desired, but loved. It lacked passion but it wasn't fake. It was nothing like Stan's but it was nice. Why do I get this feeling from a person like Craig? Why is Craig even capable of kissing like that? Did he want to show me that he does have emotions and feelings after all and that I was wrong about him? And if he does why does he wear that mask all the time? What is he afraid of? I never expected Craig to be so full of surprises.


	6. Chapter 6

Stan avoided me all day and I avoided Kenny and Craig. I didn't mean to, I just wanted to be alone and think about the other day and about the consequences. Now I'm sitting at a table in the library with several books in front of me trying to finish a paper that is due to next week but I can't concentrate. I've been reading the same paragraph for God knows how many times and I still don't know what it says, yet I don't want to leave just yet. I hope that eventually I will get myself together and finish the research.

"You're not reading that, are you?" Craig's voice startles me and I raise my eyes from the book to look at the raven standing next to me. He leans against the table with his hands in the pockets. "You've been looking at the same page for the last ten minutes."

"Have you been watching me?"

"Yeah."

"What do you want, Craig?"

"Nothing really. I just got out of detention and came here to borrow a book for a project when I saw you."

"Look…" I sigh "I think we made a mistake. Stan avoided me all day….again. It didn't work the way I expected." I'm surprised at how tired I sound but to be honest I feel tired. I just got my best friend back to lose him again because of a stupid kiss that wasn't even real.

"Did you expect him to jump in your arms after the stunt we pulled yesterday?"

"No….maybe."

"Today he shoved his tongue down that bitch's throat more than usually only to prove to himself that he doesn't care about the other day."

"How do you know that?"

"They went on a double date with Clyde and Bebe."

"So…it wouldn't be the first time."

"It would be the first time Stan and Clyde propose it."

"Clyde?"

"Yeah…he knows. I guess we're officially a couple now." I feel sick and dizzy.

"I don't think I want to keep on doing this in front of Stan or Clyde anymore." I tell him on a stern voice just in case he tries to change my mind.

"Ok." I wasn't expecting it to be so easy but I'm glad that I don't have to start listing my arguments for this decision. "Are you going to tell Stan that we're off?" I didn't think what I was going to tell Stan when he starts talking to me again, if he does it. I never told him that I'm dating Craig, it's an idea he came up with all by himself, so I probably shouldn't tell him that we broke up either. I did tell him that I was going to give Craig a chance though… All this shit gives me a head ache and I didn't even finish the research for this stupid project.

"I don't know what to tell him if he ever speaks to me again."

"Good, I don't want Clyde to think we're off just yet."

"Are you ok with not kissing in front of him?"

"Yeah, as long as we can still hang out." I smile at him. I'm glad he's so understanding.

"Of course we can, as friends."

"Whatever. Are you done here so we can go?"

"Just let me borrow this book and I'll finish this at home." I grab all the books I need to check out and take the others back to their places while Craig patiently waits for me outside. We walk quietly through the almost empty corridors but once we get outside Craig surprises me with a question.

"Why do you like Marsh?"

"I can't help who I like, Craig." Shouldn't he know that much already? The guy is in the same boat as I am.

"That's not what I meant. I mean…do you like him for his looks, or personality, or something else?"

"He's handsome. I won't deny that, but that's not my main reason. I would be shallow if it was. I like the fact that we have so many things in common, we like the same things so we never get bored around each other but we can also offer each other what we don't have ourselves." Craig gives me a weird look and I suddenly find something interesting at the sidewalk. I never told anyone about this because I don't want them to think that I'm a snob or something…

"He needs me… and I like that. Kenny needs me too, but in a different way. Stan needs me to tutor him, get him out of trouble, save him from the shit at home, stuff like that."

"So you like to be needed." I turn to look at Craig but he's not laughing at me as I expected him to, instead he's just walking, looking straight forward.

"Stupid, huh?" He shakes his head unfazed.

"No. We all like to feel needed." I raise an eyebrow at the revelation.

"You too?" I ask almost amused. He looks at me and gives me the most unexpected answer.

"That's why I'm here." Because I need him? I never thought that I needed Craig. The only one on my mind all this time was Stan. I need Stan, that's as elementary as the fact that I need air and water, but Craig?! Then my eyes get wide in realization. I need Craig to get over this situation with Stan. He's like a pillar that keeps me standing through all this shit. I know that Kenny would have supported me too, he always has and he still does, in his own way, but he can't fill the emptiness in my heart when Stan is not around. Craig can, even if it's just a little bit.

"Thanks." He nods.

When we arrive at Stan's house I spot him and Wendy talking on the porch. They must have come back from their date. He noticed us and our eyes meet for a brief moment before he pulls Wendy in a passionate kiss. I look away from them as my stomach turns upside down again and I clench my fists. Craig flips the bird in their direction and I assume that Stan looked at us again but I don't want to see him anymore. The image of him kissing Wendy on the porch will be embedded in my memory for a long time now.

"Didn't I tell you? He's been like that the whole day. I can't believe you didn't notice." I suddenly stop and Craig gives me questioning look.

"I need a drink, let's go to the park." We change the direction for the park with a short stop at the store where Craig buys the beer.

"You let him get to you too much." Craig says as he handles me the bag to get himself a cigarette.

"I can't help it. How do you do it?" He thinks for a while before finally speaking.

"Clyde is childish. He still thinks that being popular is everything."

"Doesn't it mean that he looks up to you? You're popular."

"Yeah, but I don't want to." This last thing he said leaves me thinking. Stan is popular too and so is Kenny, but I never heard them complain about that. I wonder why Craig resents popularity so much, I mean it's not a bad thing, is it? Popular people have authority, influence and they date popular people. The popular boys in our school date cheerleaders and Stan dates Wendy, the head of the cheerleaders' squad, class rep. and student council president. He's got the most popular girl in school.

"Why?" We arrive at the park. Craig sits on a table and I join him as I open a beer.

"I just don't."

"Maybe he thinks that he needs to be popular to deserve you."

"That would be too much thinking for Clyde. He just wants to be the center of everyone's attention. He doesn't even realize that he's just a clown. He knows that he doesn't like it that much but doesn't know why."

"Kiss him!" He raises an eyebrow at me as if I said the most stupid thing.

"Why don't you kiss Stan then? When he's sober." The image of Stan kissing Wendy on the porch flashes again in front of my eyes.

"Didn't you see them back there? I can't just go and kiss him. He'll hate me, if he doesn't already." Why does this hurt so much now? It didn't use to, not before that night. Now everything seems much more complicated. I can't stand to see Stan and Wendy together anymore.

Craig leans closer to me and gently presses his lips over mine but after a brief moment he pulls back. I'm surprised, but not shocked; after all it's not the first time we did this. I think I could get used to kissing Craig.

"It's just as easy as that, but not with Clyde." I sigh.

"Or with Stan." I take the beer out of his hand and put it away near mine then cup his cheek with one hand and after looking for approval in his eyes, I crush our lips together. He doesn't pull back and we stay like that longer than the first time. When we pull apart he offers me a cigarette and I take it. Nothing is said about the last kiss. "I still think your chances with Clyde are higher than mine with Stan."

"Why?" I shrug.

"I don't know."

"That's crap. Stan is smarter than Clyde, he'll come around." I finish my beer in one long gulp and wipe a few drops on my mouth with the back of my sleeve, then throw the empty can in a nearby trash.

"I wish you're right." I lay on my back and look at the sky while Craig makes smoke circles.

"I am." He says watching the circles disappear.

"I wish I had more courage to talk to him." I say before smoking out of my own cigarette. "You know what's funny? I always thought you were not afraid of anything, just to realize that you're afraid of showing your feelings for Clyde."

"I'm not afraid."

I turn to look at him and realize that he's been looking at me "Yeah you are. You're not afraid of talking about your feelings but are afraid of showing them."

"It's late, we should go." He takes his back pack and I do the same, not wanting to be left alone in the park.

"Hey, wait up!" I call after him. The walk to my house is quiet but not awkward and before entering my house I peck him on the lips and give him a small sad smile.

The next morning at school started with the promise of an eventful day. Craig and Clyde were having a fight in front of the lockers, so I went to stop Craig from beating the crap out of Clyde.

"Stay back, Kyle." Said Craig.

"Yeah, book worm, stay back." Clyde added making Craig even angrier with him. Ever since we started to hang out Craig doesn't take it well when somebody picks on me.

"Call him names again and I swear that Bebe will never recognize you when she comes."

"Protecting your boyfriend?" Craig grabs Clyde's collar and brings their faces closer, the gesture shocks Clyde who suddenly becomes afraid. He probably thinks that Craig is going to punch him.

"Let him out of this." Clyde nods, fear spread all over his face and Craig eventually lets him go. After putting some space between them Clyde becomes confident again.

"You started this though. Why did you do it? Why did you kiss me?" A few people have gathered around us since this all started and more are coming. I spot Stan and Wendy too but turn away from them immediately, toward the two boys. Did Clyde just say what I think I heard him say? Did Craig really kiss him?

"Are you stupid or somethin'? Because I love you, that's why."

"I'm dating Bebe, you know that!" Clyde shouts.

"She's going out with you because you give her free shoes. Damn it Clyde, she's using you." The blond must have heard her name because she made her way through the crowd and toward the two boys.

"What about me?" she asks.

"Tell him you love me, babe!" Clyde begs and the situation becomes even more hilarious.

"Well…." She starts and she is obviously embarrassed "I do, of course I do." She adds in a hurry but she's not convincing at all. Clyde apparently noticed it too because he leans against his locker and sighs.

"You don't, do you?" He doesn't wait for her answer; instead he leaves towards the main entrance.

"I…" Bebe starts but he doesn't seem to care anymore. Several eyes are fixed on her as people start debating the scene, some of them judging and accusing her for using Clyde like that, others praising her for being able to keep this relationship for so long and getting the benefits. Seeing her best friend in such an unpleasant position Wendy runs by her side to comfort her while Stan tries to break the crowd.

I don't care about Bebe's image though so I go by Craig's side. "Go after him!" I gently push him towards the door. "This is your best chance, go and comfort him." He nods and goes after Clyde, leaving me alone with Stan, Wendy, Bebe and a few more people who watch from afar. I make my way to my locker and take the things I'm going to need for class and head towards the classroom when Stan's voice stops me in my tracks.

"Kyle! What's going on?" I turn around to look at him; he's standing there in the middle of the hall with a frown on his face and clenched fists.

"What do you mean?" I try to sound as innocent as possible.

"Where did Craig go?"

"After Clyde….obviously." The last word comes out almost whispered. I turn to leave; I don't want to have this conversation in the middle of the hall with so many people around, especially after spotting Cartman among them. Stan catches up with me and grabs my sleeve.

"What do you mean by obviously?" I sigh.

"Craig is going to comfort the one he loves, Stan. And that's Clyde." His eyes widen and he almost drags me after him away from the crowd where we can be alone, in the boys' bathroom. Once in, he let's go of me.

"I thought he loved you!" He sounds almost exasperated. I shake my head.

"No." I repeat "He loves Clyde."

"But you…. Damn it Kyle, he kissed you!" I shake my head once again.

"He didn't. We just made it look like he did to make you jealous. It was a stupid idea we came up with. We thought that if we pretended to be together you and Clyde would get jealous."

"Oh God, Kyle…." He turns his back at me and pinched the bridge of his nose, a habit he has for as long as I know and a sign of frustration. "You seemed so close though…."

"We are, I think."

"So you never kissed?" He looks at me for a confirmation, which I can't give him. I could lie to him again but I don't want to. I don't want to feel that guilt ever again.

"We didn't kiss back then."

"So you did when I wasn't around… Why bother to pretend in front of me then?" He's not frustrated anymore, he's damn furious and he's yelling at me which makes me feel more guilt if that's even possible.

"He kissed me after you left, Ok? I didn't plan for that to happen" I yell back, then my voice drops again as I continue with the rest of the story "And then we just kept on doing it."

"He kept on kissing you?"

"We both did. I guess we both needed to fill the empty space left by the ones we really loved."

"Do you realize how fucked up that sounds, Kyle?"

"Does it? Other people kill themselves for the same reason. A few kisses don't hurt anyone and besides why do you care? You made up your mind and chosen Wendy. Too bad you won't be able to go again on double dates with the second best couple in school." Tears wet my cheeks and I feel defeated. I wish Craig was here right now and as an answer to my prayer the door opens as Craig and Clyde make their way in. I give Craig a hopeful look.

"Don't let it all out on Kyle" he says "It was my idea and he went along with it for a little while. Then he felt guilty and we stopped."

"You kissed." Stan points out. "Does he know about that?" Stan points towards Clyde as if he can't hear us or something. Clyde must have felt left out but Craig grabbed his hand.

"He knows and he doesn't mind. Do you Clyde?" The boy shakes his head.

"It's only fair for him to be allowed to kiss someone, I mean it's not like he sleeps around."

"And I'll do it again if I need to." He lets go of Clyde's hand and comes closer to me, looking in my eyes searching for my approval, then sighs before wiping my tears with a tissue he got out of his pocket. Then he gives me one of his tender kisses, making sure that Stan can see everything. I close my eyes and kiss back as more tears fall down. He cups my cheek with one hand and pulls me closer with the other. When we need air we pull apart and he rests his forehead against mine.

"Will you be alright?" He asks gently and I nod.

"You?" He smirks, letting me know that something good happened.

"Clyde and I are officially dating." I smile back at him. I'm glad that at least one of us is happy.

"We're still friends, right?"

"Yeah." He pecks me on the lips again before going by Clyde's side. Stan watched the entire scene speechless and dumb folded as for me, I feel guilty. I never meant to let Stan see something like this although I'm glad it happened. "We'll see you after school, Kyle." Graig and Clyde leave me and Stan alone and I feel less confident all of the sudden. I expect Stan to start yelling again, but he doesn't.

"Do you like it?" I lean against the wall and study the tiles that pave the bathroom floor. I can't look Stan in the eyes, not after the scene he witnessed.

"What?"

"When he kisses you. Do you like it?" I'm afraid of how this conversation might affect our relationship, whatever that is at the moment, but I will tell him the truth. No more lies. I promised myself that.

"Yeah…but it's nothing like yours."

"I was drunk."

"I liked it though more than I wanted."

"I need you to stop doing this." If he's talking about lying he got it. I already stopped. The reason I'm here in the first place is to tell him the truth for once.

"I'll never lie to you again, I promise. This whole thing made me feel so guilty."

"I believe you and it's ok, I understand but I need you to stop kissing Craig." That's not exactly what I expected from him. Why would he need me to stop?

"Why?"

"Because… I can't stand it." A small sad smile crawls on my lips.

"I can't stand it when you kiss Wendy either, yet I bear with it in the only way I can." I grab him by the jacket and pull him closer. "Don't you want to know what it's like when you're not drunk?" He gives me a shocked look.

"I'm dating Wendy." Don't give that lame excuse again, Stan. I know you want it, why are you denying this to yourself. I shake him hard.

"And Clyde was dating Bebe! So what? They're done with it now." I yell at him. He leans closer and gives me the most natural kiss given the circumstances. It's not too long but not too short either, warm, tender and full of passion. It's nothing like Craig's. I have butterflies in my stomach and it suddenly becomes hard for me to stand. I can't help but wonder if this is how he kisses Wendy. If this is what Wendy gets every day then I envy her. Does she get to melt under his touch like I do, does she feel like dying when they lock lips? If these kisses were only meant for me then I'd be the luckiest guy on Earth. I kiss him back and pull him closer as he wraps his arms around my waist.

"Is this what you wanted?" he asks when we break apart.

"Isn't this what you want too?"

"No, I wish it was Wendy who gave me this feeling." I let go of him as tears fall down on my cheeks.

"Well sorry I'm not a girl." I rush out of the bathroom. I don't know where I'm going, I'm already late for class and to be honest I don't want to go to class.

"You're perfect the way you are." Is the last thing I hear him say before I'm far enough. Well, apparently I'm not perfect since he doesn't want me. I decide to go to Stark's Pond where I'm all alone. I spend the rest of the school day there, lying on the cold ground and looking at the clouds. My imagination runs wild and I imagine myself as a girl, with perfect body, curved just right in all the right places, with red curls framing my face that fall down on my shoulders, a girl that Stan would want to date, a girl that Stan would be proud of. We would be inseparable and we wouldn't need anyone else. It would just be us against the world, we would be each other's best friends and lovers. Nothing would make me unhappy, not even Cartman, because I would have Stan to make all bad things go away. I imagine us do things that we used to do, play video games, make fun of bad movies, and fool around and things that we would do as lovers. Our parents would agree with our relationship and we would have no reason to hide.

I close my eyes as I remember our last kiss and the feeling I had, when my phone beeps. I get it out of my pocket and read the message. It's from Kenny.

'Where are you? I know what happened and I gave Stan a piece of my mind. Tell me where you are and I'll be right there.'

'I'm fine Ken, honestly.' I write back.

'No you're not and I'm not the only one who wants to know where you are. Craig is here too but he's too busy beating the crap out of Stan to text you.' Kenny's message makes me smile.

'Don't let them kill each other!' After this last message I shove the phone back in my pocket and head home. Kenny sends one more message 'Where the hell are you?' but I don't answer. I just want to be alone.

Throughout the weekend I received several messages from Kenny, Craig and even Stan. He apologized and begged me to understand his situation. His situation? What about mine?

Kenny came by on Saturday but I told mom to tell him that I'm not at home.

I kept myself busy with homework and school projects the entire weekend and on Sunday evening Stan came by. I asked mom to tell him that I don't want to see him, but he wouldn't leave.

When I didn't want to see Stan my mom became concerned, I never refuse to see him or talk to him, but I don't feel like explaining anything. What am I supposed to say anyway? I told her that there's nothing wrong between me and Stan, just that I have a lot of schoolwork to do.

Anyway, he comes in my room without knocking and I raise my head from the book I'm reading.

"Hey!" he says. I put the book down on my knees.

"May I come in, Kyle? No you may not! I don't want to see you right now."

"Please stop. I hate the way things are between us right now." He leans against the door.

"I dread the way things are between us right now."

"That's why we need to talk."

"What else is there left to say, Stan? You know how I feel… What I don't understand is you. You got back together with Wendy and now you tell me that you don't like it when Craig kisses me. This is not fare! Don't I have the right to have friends?"

"You do Ky….It's just that….I don't know. When Craig kissed you it felt like a truck ran over my head."

"And you still don't know what that means?" I ask exasperated.

"I do, I always did….Look, Wendy and I had a talk." I rise a questioning eyebrow at him "She said that I behaved strange lately and she asked me if there was someone else in my life. I told her that there isn't. I'm not dating anyone else…She believed that I'm not dating anyone else but she still believes that I have strong feelings for someone else."

I see where this is going. Well, I won't play this game anymore, Stan. I pick my book from where I left it and pretend to read. I try to but I can't concentrate so I just pretend, hoping that he will eventually leave. "So she broke up with you again?" I ask not looking up from the book.

"I don't know. She gave me a few days to sort out my feelings."

"Why didn't you tell her that there's no need for that because you already know who you want and she's always been the one."

"I did and she didn't believe me. She said that my head is choosing her for some reason but my heart belongs to someone else."

"Smart girl." I say sarcastically, flipping the page.

"I feel like I've lost you and now I'm losing Wendy too." He comes closer to sit on my bed, beside me.

"And whenever something goes wrong between you and Wendy you run to me." I'm starting to get angry with him. Does he really not know what he's doing to me or he doesn't care at all.

"That's not why I'm here."

"Then why are you?" I shout, finally looking at him again.

"I want to listen to my heart for once."

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"I'm willing to give us a chance if we can keep it a secret for now." I keep on looking at him because I don't know what to say. A while ago I would have been more than happy with that but I never expected him to come to me like this and the fact that it finally happens scares me a little. "Is there something wrong?" he asks noticing my hesitation. "Is this about Craig?" Where did that come from? I shake my head.

"This has nothing to do with Craig. I believe I already told you that."

"Then what is it?"

"I've been looking forward for you to kiss me…you know, when we're not drunk…and when you did, it felt like the best thing that happened to me in a long time but when you said that you wish it was Wendy making you feel that way it suddenly became the most dreadful moment in my life. I don't ever want to feel the way I felt then." He gently takes the book away from by hands and puts it away.

"I'm sorry…" he cups my cheeks with both hands "I promise I'll never do that again" I shake my head slowly and remove his hands.

"I'm glad you told me the truth." Feeling rejected he pulls back a little and puts his hands on his lap.

"I shouldn't have been so harsh though."

"What's done is done." I get up from my bed suddenly feeling the need to put some space between us and go to look out the window. "Are you thinking of her?"

"Now?" he asks confused.

"Yeah."

"No. I'm just thinking if there's a way for me to make things right between us. You have always been very important to me, Ky and you always will be. I never meant to hurt you so much." He comes behind me and gently touches my shoulder. "Can you help me with that?"

I rise on my toes to cover for the height difference and press my lips against his as tears fall down my cheek. "Are you Ok with that?" He nods and presses our lips together once again.

"It never felt this nice with Wendy." I smile at him.

"Are you Ok with that too?"

"I'm trying." If he's trying to accept me then I should probably give him a chance. He has never tried to accept a relationship between us that passed mere friendship.

"Will you stay here tonight?" I ask and he smiles at me.

"Do you want me to?"

"I asked, didn't I?" I smile back at him.

"Is the couch ready?" I punch him in the elbow playfully and he rubs the place pretending to be hurt.

"Who said anything about you taking the couch?"

"Your mom did, remember?" He defends, probably expecting another punch.

"You don't have to take the couch if she doesn't know you're here."

"Then I guess I have to go." He motions to the door and I nod. He leaves my room and greets my parents before leaving the house. Twenty minutes later he's climbing the tree near my window and knocks gently on the glass. I hurry to open the window for him to enter and press a finger against my lips as a sign for him to be quiet. He nods and comes in as silently as possible. I don't have to be concerned about that though because Stan is just as experienced as I am at sneaking in each other's houses, after all we have been doing it since we were in elementary school. He closes the window behind him and drops his bag on the floor. I give the bag a confused look.

"You shouldn't have brought clothes, I can give you a shirt and some pants, you're not that much taller than I am." He shakes his head.

"They're not clothes. They're books. Tomorrow is a school day, remember?"

"You mean you told your parents you'll be here?" I ask confused.

"Of course not. I told them I'm spending the night at Wendy's." That name again. Can't we have a conversation without having that name pop out at random times?

"Did you…do that often?" I'm only curious. I didn't know he slept with her or better said I imagined he did but tried to shut that thought off. After not talking to him that much lately there is no surprise that there are things that I don't know about him.

"Sometimes. Can I ask you something and can you promise to not get angry?"

"What?"

"Did you sleep with Craig?"

"Jealous?" I tease him but he is very serious about this and doesn't like the fact that I toy with him.

"Please, Ky."

"No. Now it's my turn to ask you a question!" I suddenly become more serious "What was it like to do it with Wendy?"

"Not that pleasant. Later she told me that Clyde had more passion and she wished I did too. In a few words none of us enjoyed it that much."

"Why did you keep this relationship going for so long, then?" I feel angry and frustrated again. I can't understand why he kept on doing things he didn't enjoy if he could avoid it, why torture himself so much. I feel a little sorry for him but there's nothing I can do.

"I believe I already explained that."

"You did but I still don't understand." I don't want to talk about Wendy anymore so I go to my dresser to look for some clothes for Stan.

"Did you tell your parents?" He suddenly asks.

"Tell them what?" I ask tossing one of my shirts and a black pair of pants that Stan has left here some time ago.

"You know? That you like boys?"

"Of course not. I like my head on my shoulders, thank you." He laughs a little but becomes tensed and serious again.

"Would you tell them if we decide to date?"

"Yes. Now get dressed!" He grabs the clothes from the bed and he is visibly less tensed now. Was that bothering him? He has been so busy pretending to love Wendy and hiding the truth that he started to imagine that I would do the same. He's not wrong if he assumes that I'm afraid of my parents' reaction but what he doesn't know is that I can go through Hell if I have him by my side.

"What about your head?" he jokes.

"I can live without a head if you can accept a headless boyfriend." I joke, but I also want to make myself clear. I want him to understand that I don't care what my parents think as long as I have him. I go to my desk and start my computer to give him a little privacy to change.

"What now?" He asks and I shrug.

"We could watch a movie if you want."

We pick up a movie on the internet and get in bed to watch if from there. We lay as close as possible and he wraps his arm around me as I rest my head on his chest. The movie starts but I don't pay attention to it. Stan is distracting me. We shared a bed before so this shouldn't be the reason for my distraction; we cuddled before so that shouldn't be it either.

"So where are we standing now?" I ask. I feel Stan shifting a bit and I raise my head to look him in the eyes. My emerald eyes meet his ocean blue ones and we stay like that for a brief moment.

"Now you're my boyfriend." He smiles and I smile back at him before kissing him like never before.

The movie went on but we never watched it. I finally had what I wanted and even more.


	7. Chapter 7

The next day at school things went on as usual and I was glad that Cartman wasn't suspecting anything. During literature class I carefully slipped notes to Kenny and Craig asking them to come to Stark's Pond after school and meet us there and they did.

"So you finally came around, Marsh?" Craig asked after I told him, Clyde and Kenny the news.

"I guess so….but I still don't want my parents to find out yet. I don't want them to divorce anymore."

"Our lips are sealed, right Clyde?" Craig asked and his boyfriend nodded.

"We'll still need to be careful around Cartman though." Kenny made a point and we all nodded.

"Well then, I guess we should celebrate" said Craig taking out his fake ID from the back of his pocket. "I need help Clyde, McKormick" Kenny nodded and joined Craig to the store leaving Stan and I alone at the pond.

"Are you Ok with this?" I ask.

"With what?"

"You don't mind that I told Craig, Clyde and Kenny, do you?" I look at him a little bit unsure. I know that he doesn't like Craig that much.

"No. I think Kenny should know."

"Stan? Please promise me that you'll give Craig a chance too. He's not that bad." Stan doesn't look at me and I can see that he is tensed.

"It's gonna take time, Ky. I won't promise anything but I'll try." He promised to try and that's enough for me because Craig has become a close and important person to me.

The boys came back with bags full of beer, food and cigarettes for all of us and the party started with Craig handing us beers as Kenny sang Katy Perry's Last Friday night using a twig for a microphone. He got a dirty look from Craig when he grabbed Clyde's hand provoking him to dance with him but he either ignored it or didn't notice at all. Clyde was oblivious though, I'm sure. Stan and I could hardly contain laughter as we watched Kenny dance and Craig throw daggers from afar.

"This was dedicated to my favorite couple" said Kenny as he finished the song " So how are you two this evening?" he throws the twig away, gets the beer that Clyde handed to him and placed himself between Stan and I, wrapping his arms around our necks.

"Just fine Kenny." Says Stan.

"Perfect, Ken." I add.

"Good" he nods.

And things have been perfect since then. The five of us spend a lot of time together in school and outside school and even though Cartman comes with new insults every time it doesn't bother me anymore. I can go through anything with Stan by my side.

After school Stan comes to my place to finish our homework and work on a school project but as I open the door I realize that no one is home.

"I think we're alone now" says Stan closing the door behind him.

"There doesn't seem to be anyone around" He throws his bag on the sofa and wraps his hands around my waist. I put my arms around his neck and for a brief moment we get lost in each other's eyes. We move closer at the same time and close our eyes before our lips meet in a passionate kiss.

I think we're alone now (alone now)  
There doesn't seem to be anyone around  
I think we're alone now (alone now)  
The beating of our hearts is the only sound

That's Stan's phone, his ringtone for Wendy to be more precise. I used to hate that song for this only reason but now it doesn't bother me anymore, especially since Stan doesn't give a sign that he is willing to answer. Besides the song fits our moment perfectly.

Children behave  
That's what they say when we're together  
And watch how you play  
They don't understand

And so we're running just as fast as we can  
Holdin' on to one another's hand  
Tryin' to get away into the night  
And then you put your arms around me  
And we tumble to the ground  
And then you say

I think we're alone now  
There doesn't seem to be anyone around  
I think we're alone now  
The beating of our hearts is the only sound

Look at the way  
We gotta hide what we're doin'  
'Cause what would they say  
If they ever knew?

And so we're running just as fast as we can  
Holdin' on to one another's hand  
Tryin' to get away into the night  
And then you put your arms around me  
And we tumble to the ground  
And then you say

I think we're alone now (alone now)  
There doesn't seem to be anyone around  
I think we're alone now (alone now)  
The beating of our hearts is the only sound

I think we're alone now (alone now)  
There doesn't seem to be anyone around  
I think we're alone now  
The beating of our hearts is the only sound

Running just as fast as we can  
Holdin' on to one another's hand  
Tryin' to get away into the night  
And then you put your arms around me  
And we tumble to the ground  
And then you say

I think we're alone now  
There doesn't seem to be anyone around  
I think we're alone now  
The beating of our hearts is the only sound

A few weeks have passed and Stan and I are doing great. We still didn't tell anyone about our relationship and Craig and Clyde were nice enough not to tell anyone. I'm surprised that Cartman didn't figure it out yet; he's really perceptive you know but I guess that just means that we are good at hiding it until we're ready or he is too busy with God knows what evil scam.

"You're never going to believe it, you guys!" Speaking of the devil, Cartman comes at our table with Butters in tow. "Move over, Stan." He pushes Stan towards me to make room on the bench for his big butt as Butters seats near Clyde.

"What now, fat ass?" Do I really want to know? I guess I'm going to regret even asking. The last time Cartman came with big news there was a whole fiasco.

"Stan….I have the perfect plan to get your girlfriend back." Stan looks at him in disbelief.

"Why?"

"What do you mean why? Because I'm a good friend, that's why." Stan gives me an apologetic look and I roll my eyes.

"What if I don't want Wendy back?" he says.

"What do you mean? You love Wendy."

"She cheated on me with Clyde."

"Come on Stan, you know how girls work and Clyde was giving free shoes. You can't compete with that." Cartman looked Stan in the eyes for a few moments "Ok, then we can get you another girl….tell me Stan what do you think about Bebe?" Stan looked at me as if expecting me to tell him what to say but I can't help him here.

"She's nice, I guess…"

"Seriously, Stan? Nice? She's hot! Have you looked at her lately? Her curves are perfect." Stan raises an eyebrow at Cartman.

"You sound like Kenny."

"No, Stan. Seriously. But if you don't like Bebe we can get together with someone else…." Stan sighed. "Now listen, Token is throwing a party this weekend…"

"We're not playing Band Hero, Carman." I interrupt.

"If you would let me finish, Kahl….now as I was saying….we'll be playing truth or dare and I'll help you get Wendy back. It's the perfect opportunity to get Wendy back in your arms." Stan pinches the bridge of his nose in annoyance but says nothing. I'm not expecting him to tell Cartman that he doesn't want Wendy back so I guess we can't really back out from this one.

"Fine." Stan eventually says taking his tray and taking it to the trashcan. I follow him and so do Craig and Clyde, leaving an excited Cartman with Butters at the table.

"There's something you should know though." Craig breaks the silence between us. "At Token's parties truth or dare is different."

"What do you mean different?" Stan asks confused. "Isn't truth or dare meant to make you say and do embarrassing stuff?"

"Truth is a question about your love life and dare is a challenge to make out with someone for two minutes around the clock in front of everyone." My jaw drops and so does Stan's. What did we get ourselves into this time?

"Kevin" the brunette turns to the person who called his name "Truth or dare?"

"Truth" he says looking in Craig's eyes and I can sense fear in his voice.

"How far did you go with Red?" Craig's blue eyes are piercing poor Kevin but I guess he is just concerned about his cousin. I turn to look at Red and she's blushing hard.

"We only kissed." Craig looked at him a bit longer as if trying to find a lie in Kevin's confession then turned away. It's Kevin's turn to truth or dare someone.

"Kenny?"

"Dare." A wide grin spreads across Kenny's face as he waits to see who he is going to make out with.

"Two minutes with Kyle." My jaw drops and I feel the heat rise to my ears, I must be red like a tomato.

"Gay" Cartman is taking his phone out, probably to record this but Stan takes it away from him, clearly annoyed. "Give that back!" Cartman cries but Stan just passes the phone to Craig. Token puts an alarm on his own phone and gives Kenny the signal to begin.

Kenny puts a hand on my cheek and looks me in the eyes as if asking if it's ok, then presses his lips on mine. His other hand slides down to my belt, then up again, raising my shirt in the process and it stops on my chest. He deepens the kiss, then moves to my jaw, making me tilt my head slightly. My heart races and I know he can feel it too. He moves to my neck, biting a spot then sucking on it. I know everyone is watching but I don't dare to open my eyes to see their expressions and most of all I can't look at Stan now. Our lips meet again and this time I kiss him back out of reflex. God, I didn't know Kenny was this good at kissing, no wonder every girl wants to make out with him.

Token's phone rings signaling that the time is up and Kenny moves back to his place on the carpet as if nothing happened.

When I finally manage to look around I see the girls whispering something to one another excited and then my eyes fall on Cartman who watches us with big eyes and lips slightly parted.

"You should close your mouth Cartman!" Kenny smirks "You wouldn't want flies to enter your mouth, would you?"

Then Kenny dares Cartman to make out with Butters getting a deadly glare from the former one but I guess rules are rules. This dare however is recorded by Craig with his phone and I can't help laughing at the thought of watching this later on again and again. Then it's Cartman's turn and I guess he's trying to get revenge on me for laughing, because he dares me to kiss Craig. I look at Stan for a brief moment as if assuring him that it doesn't mean anything and I move to where Craig is sitting between Tweek and Clyde. He puts an arm on the back of my head bringing our foreheads together and we stay like that, waiting for Token to give us the signal. When he does, our lips meet in a soft kiss which he deepens. My hand reaches his neck and he tilts his head slightly before pushing me on my back in the middle of the circle without breaking the kiss.

On my turn I truth or dare Cartman.

"Truth." He says carefully. I guess he's had enough dares for one night.

"Who are you in love with?" I ask.

"No one." He answers with a straight face but Butters tugs on his shirt.

"Geez, Eric, I thought it was Wendy."

"Shut up Butters." Wendy? Cartman has a crush on Wendy out of all people. Like that will ever happened.

"But I thought you wanted to play this game to get Wendy."

"Shut up Butters." I chuckle at how embarrassed he is.

Then Cartman dares Stan to make out with me which he easily obliges to. He puts all his passion in it and so do I. The two minutes fly too fast for us, I don't want to let go when Token's phone rings but he brakes the kiss pushing me back slightly. I can't help but feel a little rejected even though I know his reasons.

Stan dares Wendy to make out with Cartman which does not make Wendy happy but it does make Cartman even more embarrassed to our amusement. Later on is Heidi's turn to confess and so on the game moves to other people but Cartman's eyes are on me and Stan and we know that he's going to use the first opportunity to embarrass us again.

"Watch out for Cartman" I whisper in Stan's ear "He's up to something after that stunt you pooled with Wendy."

"I can't go for truth, you know that. I'll just deal with the dare." He whispers back and I nod.

"Just don't give him satisfaction."

"I won't."

When Cartman gets his turn again he dares Stan to make out with Kenny which Stan does without complaining.

The game stops for a while giving people time to grab some beers and food and even dance a bit but the talking about the game never stopped. Stan and I go to grab something to eat while Kenny goes straight to the bar and comes back with drinks for all of us.

"Wow Ken, I didn't know you swing that way." Stan says embarrassed as Kenny gives him a beer.

"I've always wanted to do that."

"Do what?" I ask.

"Kiss you. Both of you." Stan's ears turned red.

"You're such a man whore, Kenny. How many guys did you kiss before anyway?" he asks casually. Kenny puts an arm around Stan's shoulders and the other around mine, then leans closer to Stan.

"Why?"

"Just wondering because it didn't look like your first time." Kenny whispers something in Stan's ear but I can't hear because of the loud music.

"You're fucking kidding me?" I look confused at both of them and wait for them to fill me in.

"I wouldn't do that. It's bad for my reputation."

"What!?" I ask exasperated.

"You were my first kiss with a guy, Ky." He whispers in my ear.

"No way?!" I can't believe that. How did he do it so casual as if he was used to it when I was a wreck. "But how….? "

"As I was saying….I've wanted to try that with you two. Was it bad?"

"Jesus, Kenny…" Stan pinches the bridge of his nose.

After Kenny fills his stomach with whatever is left on the tabled we go to join Craig and some other kids on the couch. They are all gathered around Craig who is playing some videos he made during the game.

"And this is Cartman with Pip" says Craig hitting the play button on the phone. I didn't pay too much attention to this one so I lean closer to watch it now. "And Cartman with Wendy…notice how disgusted she is…" continues Craig selecting another video. Everybody laughs except for Cartman.

"Ha, ha.. really funny Craig. But please tell us how it was when you kissed the Jew in front of your boyfriend." Craig raised an eyebrow at him.

"If you want to get back at me you have to dare me to make out with your fat ass." Everyone laughed at Craig's line.  
All in all I think things turned out alright in the end. I got what I wanted and I even made some new friends.


End file.
